When I arrived at class on the first day of this semester, the person sitting next to me ended up being a familiar face. A face I recognized from long nights rolling around in my sheets and early morning wake ups. Among our 25 person class was a former fuck buddy. The kind of relationship where texts were limited to “what time tonight?” Or, “u up?” And the typical after sex cuddling was replaced with high fives. Things between us ended due to diverging wants. He decided that what many consider the male fantasy — no strings attached sex — was no longer what he needed, and I knew that I was as emotionally unavailable as ever. I’m the kind of person who is so scared of feelings I won’t even say the word and regularly calling them “eelings.”
Between the last time we had sex and the first day of class, I would say we had said, at most, one hundred words to each other. There were no hard feelings, but there was no longer any point in engaging. Our relationship was about emotionless sex, so when you take sex out the equation all you were left with is emotionless.
Though as class ended, we placed our syllabus in our backpacks and walked together. He asked about my summer and told me about his job. But throughout every sentence of small talk, all I could do was smile and think that this person has literally been inside of me and now we were talking about nothing. We went from being the closest two people could physically be to two people having the same conversation I would have with my great aunt at Thanksgiving. This feeling lasted for the first initial weeks of the semester, but every time I looked at him all I could think about was all of the sex we had. He became like my human viagra. Every time I looked at him, there was a full lady boner. One look at his hands and I was reminded of every place he had touched, or staring at his back the feeling of him being on top of me.
In time, the sexual thoughts faded and all that was left was a surface level friendship and a slight crush. My sexual attraction changed from horniess to nervousness. I knew I really wanted to sleep with him again, but the moment that realization blossomed so did my fear. If I saw him on campus I would run away. He would sit next to me in class and say, “hi,” and I would sit there silently paralyzed by nerves… and being speechless is not a common trait of mine. I tend to be the type that does not mince words.
Though when those feelings came, I recognized the weirdness of the situation. I developed feelings only after I knew him. Sex wasn’t the connector. I was scared to do what I had done with him so many times before. This change in environment forced me to see him as a whole person, rather than as a person attached to the penis I used. And, while it has been a pleasure getting to know the person, I miss the penis. Sex with him now would mean an entirely different thing and thats why its scary. It would be about more than flailing bodies. It would have to do with the person. It would be an admission that I’m attracted to him for more than his body.
Sex and its purpose in society is evolving. Biologically it leads to offspring and has a hormonal reaction in the body, and socially it is seen as a symbol of dedication, love and commitment. It no longer is limited to these functions — most of us have sex because its fun, but I think in this quest we can forget the complexity and interconnected nature of sex and “eelings.” My way of having a fuck buddy was completely abandoning one side of the equation, while now I have received the complete opposite. Maybe there is a way to have both?
Girl With No Game is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to editor–[email protected]. The Sexless Sex Column runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.