You know who I hate? Millennials. I know what you’re thinking, “Wow, how radical another Gen Z teen thinking they are the shit, hating on side parts and low-rise jeans.” No, it’s more than that. It’s the gay millennials for me. They might have braved the waters and are (slightly) better in some ways than their hetero counterparts, but they really are something else. Let me take you on a little trip down memory lane.
It’s Thanksgiving Break. I’m home in my small coastal city bored out of my mind. I had been on a hiatus from Grindr for a bit to focus on my studies… I know, I’m such an academic. But I was home, and boy was I horny for my holes to be filled. I hopped on the hookup-haven looking to get dicked down and find this sexy 30-year-old. Hot bod, pretty close by and DTF. His profile does say he’s in an open relationship but that didn’t really bother me. I message and before you know it, he’s asking if I’m into threesomes and I say yes. Turns out I was messaging his partner at the same time, whoops.
Soon, I’m driving in my mother’s minivan to go get some daddy dick, of course blasting some CupcakKe like the wannabe twink I am. I arrive and the dude I messaged first opens the door in a harness and a jockstrap. As we walk through the living room, he tells me to come down to the basement. The living room houses a large display case with many Disney figurines in typical millennial fashion. He points to the couch I was looking at and says, “Oh yeah, we went to Kohl’s today to get some Christmas decorations.” It’s moments like these that I’m like, “Is this dude really going to be plowing me in a few minutes?” Even for me, who let’s just say, um, has been a slut for many, I’m sometimes asking myself, are these people human? Let alone, are they at the age when they think a pillow that says “Merry and Bright” is cute and not a cheugy faux pas?
We make our way downstairs and I’m greeted into a darkish room with a large bed with a leather covering on it. I strip down and he gives me a harness of my own when his partner comes in and lays on the bed, inviting me to lay with him. I’ll spare you the details but after a few minutes they’re taking me to Paris and I’m getting Eiffel Towered. It almost felt so… routine, like they’ve done this many times before. I get it — some people enjoy being in an open relationship. But this felt almost too normal for them, like there was no chemistry between the two. Oh, and how can I forget my favorite part? Before joining us, the other dude asks Alexa to play “Pride Party on Pandora.” That playlist? On PANDORA???? What is 2012 like??? Guys, can we please get with the times and get like, I don’t know… Spotify? Because of this lovely music choice I can now say I have been fucked to “Don’t Stop The Music” by Rihanna and “Crazy in Love” by Beyoncé.
After the first dude finished using my behind, the second dude began. I assumed the other would stay and watch, appealing to that voyeurism kink. But when I turned my head to look into the eyes of the dude who was fucking me, I was surprised the door was open and the other guy had gone upstairs? Ok… um… interesting. I just didn’t get the fun in that for them. Like, you’re a couple for what? Don’t you wanna see your hunky husband shag moi? I guess that’s just me.
Once that little fiasco was done, I got dressed and went upstairs to find the guy who had left the bedroom setting up their Christmas tree bare naked. It just felt so casual like, “Oh yeah, I just had a threesome and now I’m setting up my tree.” Don’t forget to put up the “I need coffee” ornament on, dude. Hell, I was expecting some avocado toast as a parting gift.
Maybe its gay millennials who are actually the weakest link of the gay community, not white twinks. Or maybe not actually, but that’s a story for another time. xoxo — a growing boy
A Growing Boy is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. Bottom’s Up runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.