With the sweet smell of overpriced frozen yogurt in the air and the sound of small children dropping oreo crumbles on the floor, four girls sat and discussed their lack of sexual knowledge. The setting was inappropriate, but the content important.
Masturbation techniques, blow job tricks and honest feelings of inadequacy were discussed. One confession after another. Their own clits remained a mystery. The right tactic to suck a dick unknown. Do you grab over or under the boxers? How do I tell him I didn’t feel anything when he went down on me? Calling a penis a peepee.
The most experienced among them and the de facto sex therapist was me, a girl with a body count of three and an inability to orgasm from masturbation or sex. I’m not exactly the person who should give sex advice, but this conversation made me realize something: everyone is sexually clueless one way or the other. We have to alter the way we perceive and understand sexual fluency. We leave hookups criticizing the other’s technique, rather than understanding that good sex comes with knowing someone’s body. Instead of saying it will get better, we critique others. People in relationships lose understanding of hookup culture. People in hookup culture forget, or were never exposed to, what sex looks like in a relationship. Our knowledge is ever-evolving, but there are always gaps. Things we once liked may now seem repulsive. Things we once hated are the only things that get us to scream our partner’s name. Our knowledge and who we are as sexual beings ages with us. We will never know everything, and we should become comfortable with the process of discovery.
While the above realization was powerful, the most important part of this conversation was admitting to the insecurity and inadequacy many of us feeling during or because of sex. We are all insecure about something in bed. Personally, I don’t think I’m the best kisser. Others worry about their blow job skills or how to ride a guy. Many men face concerns over an inability to get hard or stay hard. Some girls don’t get wet. There are also endless body issues we all feel when being naked and vulnerable. Most of us are having sex for pleasure, but are some times we are unable to enjoy it because of the pressure we place on ourselves. We should remember that as nervous as we are, our partner feels the same way. Every person has their own insecurities that play in their mind.
So what’s the solution? I think a lot of these things relate to level of experience, but I do think we need to transform how we think about sex. No one is a master. I hate to tell you, random frat boy with a body count of 100, you are not the Michael Jordan of fingering. Girl who thinks she is amazing at blow jobs, sincerely good for you, but there is always room for improvement. Sex is an art form — something that we can always get better at. There is the opportunity for constant improvement. I know you Ivy League overachievers love that. So keep working, keep fucking, and keep learning, because you still don’t really know anything.
Girl With No Game is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected] The Sexless Sex Column runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.