Men: listen, come in closer, put your nose basically on the screen of your computer. I’m going to tell you the secret of the universe, but it’s going to have to wait till after we finish the deed. Get your protection out. Rip that condom wrapper, and slide on the rubber. We only practice safe sex in this column, and my IUD is definitely not going to protect me from what you have. If you make any comment against wearing a condom, get off this fucking page and go to therapy because you are the worst.
I may be the Girl with No Game, but I’m sure I know how to get you off. I may not be using the gluck gluck 3000 tonight, but this weekend has prepared me and you got me heated up enough to start. I don’t even need a watered-down vodka soda from Hideaway. You’re welcome for saving you $8.
Okay, you’re ready to go? We both enthusiastically consented. The foreplay was long and I’m ready. The tension is killing me. Let’s begin! This is a lesson on hookup culture that will make it easier to get your dick wet and keep it wet. Are you ready? Let’s count it down. Three…Two…One… I’m almost there. Faster. Harder. It’s coming. The final crescendo. The French call it “little deaths” and this one is going to make me see stars. Women use men for sex as much you use us. I know, it’s shocking. Almost as shocking as your inability to figure out how to properly eat a girl out. Oh my g-o-d that was amazing. I released so much. The post-nut clarity is hitting. Take the condom off and clean up. Sorry for the heteronormativity of this all, but a cisgender heterosexual sorority girl is writing this and it clearly comes from experience.
The required post-coitus cuddling may now commence. Wait, another cuddling confession: You know how you fake intimacy because it feels nice after sex or so the girl wants to keep sleeping with you? Women do the same thing while wearing perfume and lacey underwear. When I ask you about your favorite color, I’m really just trying to figure out when it’s okay for me to go pee so I don’t get a UTI. Then I’ll sit and debate if the sleepover is worth the morning sex, and you figure out when you can move your arm without it being rude. I know… I know… Your arm is asleep.
This pillow talk attempts to uplift feminism and fuck toxic masculinity where it deserves, instead of fake intimacy. Sexism pervades every avenue of society, even the bedroom, but I don’t think men realize it negatively affects them too. Toxic masculinity causes many men to feel alone. Many men feel that they can’t express their feelings to their friends, and others can’t talk about their feelings at all. For a lot of men, this emotional dysfunction often translates into their relationship with sex and women.
If you can’t express your feelings to friends, it’s even harder to express them to a romantic or sexual partner — the stakes of vulnerability are much higher. In addition, the refusal to address that sex and emotions are difficult to untie leads to the objectification of women. More importantly, if guys hold the view that masculinity is tied to being insular, they project that women are meant to be overly emotive. Therefore, they assume that their partner is always hoping for exclusivity or a relationship without ever really asking. It’s okay if they are, but it’s the assumption that is the problem.
Yes, I’ll say it: from the girl who hates talking about feelings and calls them “eelings” because they are too scary, talking about feelings isn’t the sexiest thing, but it allows us to have good sex. It allows us to ensure that both parties agree to the same thing. You can’t absolutely ensure that no one gets hurt, but you can minimize it by being direct. But please — I know about this from experience — have the “where is this going” or “what do you want conversation” before having sex, not after getting off the night before and the morning after. Girls spend their whole lives being objectified, and it just makes them feel used. See what I did to you here.
Girl With No Game is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected] The Sexless Sex Column runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.