September 14, 2022

SEX ON THURSDAY | A Guide to Cornell College Copulation

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If there’s one thing my time at Cornell has taught me it’s that academic stress gets people horny. Not just your normal amount of college horny either; literally the #1 thing to accomplish on “161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do” is “Make the library into your bedroom and have sex in the stacks.” There is an entire community of people trying to get anonymously laid through Sidechat … all the more power to us, but these things are not standard university practice. In order to unpack Cornell’s Big Red sex drive, I’ve curated a carefully thought out list of which college theoretically pulls the most bodies.

Have no fear, I am not an informational dictator; in order to best set the stage for this informed ranking, I have consulted the Sidechat community via poll in order to ensure that everyone’s voice (or at least the voices of 164 anonymous Cornell students) is heard. The results were as follows:

Survey: Which college gets the most action? (164 total votes)

Cornell engineers finish with an astounding 22 votes, a not-so-shocking last place for the Cornell college objectively getting the least action. Let’s be real, while the Cornell engineer stereotype may exceed reality, it exists nonetheless and is reflected in the polls. Perhaps if Duffield were to integrate an automatic Febreze feature or 24-hour showers, Engineers could climb their way to the top, but until then, sexless their stereotype shall remain. But that’s okay, I want my engineers focused on structural soundness, not a one night stand.

Following the College of Engineering is where my own personal ranking sprinkles itself in. (Partially because I’m on staff to write, not analyze poll results, but also because Sidechat limits the number of options one can have in a poll). Decidedly, Dyson and ILR tie for second-to-last place, presumably getting laid more often than our beloved Big Red engineers, but not by much. The ILR/Dyson workload is said to match that of a Hotel student, however our business and labor relations friends are also stereotyped as adopting the same ego as our engineers…a recipe for celibacy if you ask me.

Up next, and technically fifth in our ranking, we have the College of Human Ecology. In my opinion, HumEc is where things start to get spicy. You’ve got your artsy kids with just enough time on their hands to curate the perfect Tinder profile while simultaneously fashioning a flawless outfit for a night on the town (Collegetown, that is). HumEc students reign unrivaled as the queens (and kings) of the one time fling.

To follow HumEc, we have what I like to think of as the Cornell romantics: College of Agriculture and Life Sciences students. Environment and sustainability majors aren’t getting laid, they’re making love. CALS students are just STEM-y enough to endearingly hyper-analyze their partner’s brains without having the overbearing characteristics of a Cornell engineer; it’s the perfect balance. Plus, in such close proximity to the Botanical Gardens, you know CALS students are bringing a fresh bouquet of flowers to every first date. Three cheers for Cornell’s lovers.

In third place we move to the College of Arts & Sciences see a shift back to Cornell’s platonic sex scene. The residents of Risley Hall alone can be credited for CAS’ third place finish, since I’m fairly sure Risleyites would sweep all competitions if evaluated independently … they balance out the college’s computer science majors and secure CAS’ third place seat.

Our runner up and the Cornell college securing the second most bodies on campus is none other than the School of Architecture, Art and Planning. As addressed in the introduction, stress causes horniness, and it’s no argument that stress on this campus manifests itself in the upstairs studios at Milstein Hall. You can’t tell me those architects are doing only homework into the wee hours of the morning … No, they’re doing each other.

Finally, to no one’s surprise, finishing with over a 15 percent sweep of the polls, the Nolan School of Hotel Administration takes the cake for Cornell college getting the most action. Luckily, my personal ranking happens to align with this result. I mean, come on, we all know the reputation for the Hotelie workload: one that leaves plenty of room for extracurricular activities. Not to mention, there are only about 200 students per class, which means one thing: Hotelie incest. I’ve known my friends to take alternate routes through campus to avoid ex-hookups, but I wonder how this works for Hotel students? It’s kind of hard to avoid your one night stand when they sit next to you every Hotelie Friday.

Annie Position is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. The Sin Series runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester