September 21, 2022

SEX ON THURSDAY | Hooking Up For Emotional People: A Three-Step Guide

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I think emotional people get a bad rap. When it comes to a purely physical relationship, emotional people must be cautious about how much they allow themselves to know their hookup. For example, I think my current hookup is the coolest guy ever. Whenever I learn something new about him, I end up liking him more.

It’s also been over a day since he’s texted me back, so maybe he’s not my current hookup anymore. I’m trying not to be sad about that. See? Emotional.

The worst part is that I don’t even like him that much. Again, I think he’s a cool guy, but it’s not like he’s a sex god or anything. To clarify, we were doing everything but sex every other night. You all know me.

I don’t know how I managed to get so obsessed over a month of hooking up, but every time my phone buzzes, I get annoyed that it’s not him. It almost feels like an insult to be left on delivered. Like, sure, send me that long (or short, if you want to be a real dick) paragraph saying that as much as you like spending time with me, we just shouldn’t see each other anymore.

But left on delivered? Damn.

Though I’m in the throes of post-hookup depression, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only person who experiences this. Even though I have no data to back up this point, I’d say that most people are wired like me—that’s why they call it catching feelings. You don’t ask to develop feelings for your hook-up, but somehow, you end up lovesick.

Now, lovesick is dramatic. The feelings I have for this guy do not even approach like, considering no part of me even wanted to say hi when I walked past him on my way to class today. Through my 24+ hours of being ghosted, I’ve come to realize that I’m not mourning the loss of this particular man, but the loss of my perfect, consistent hook-up. Thus, I have been inspired to write a brief guide (just three highlights!) for all of you readers: how to have a perfectly detached hookup when you’re emotional.

First and foremost, highly emotional people know that they can’t be seeing their hookup every single night. I was a big violator of this rule—it’s hard when you’re horny, and they’re horny, and on top of that, they’re only a five-minute walk away….

I digress. Don’t go over more than one night in a row unless you want to know way too much about your sneaky link. The second things start to get too personal, they get emotional. There was no need for me to learn about this guy’s younger sister and where she’s applying to college, but now I’ll never forget (I hope you get into Cornell, girl).

Rule number two: for the love of all things Good, do not sleep over. This rule, again, was one I had trouble following. Do we see a trend forming?

It’s one thing if you’re far from your dorm, apartment or house, but when you’re a short, safe walk away? I suggest booking it when the time comes. Though cuddling can be nice, a particular commitment comes with sleeping over every time you hook up. I would argue that forcing your sneaky link to walk you back to your humble abode is more valid than a sleepover. 

Our final, consummate rule is one I actually do live by. There has to be something about your hook-up you don’t like, or you’ll end up with a crush. For example, my sneaky link (may we always remember him fondly) is very obviously in a different tax bracket than I am. Though some may find a trust fund baby appealing, this is what’s kept me from being more into him. He’s also blond, which is not my type, but that feels a bit too shallow to mention.

So, find something you don’t like. If short hair is usually your jam, find someone with long hair. If you can’t stand tattoos, find someone with a massive sleeve of ‘em. That’s a little extreme, but I’m sure I’m communicating my point.

There are other rules that many emotional people swear by, with not having casual sex being one of them. As the name Virginia Snatch suggests, I cannot comment on the benefits of not having sex with a hook-up, as I have never had sex at all. Yay!

While it may feel like this list is curated to shame emotional people, I want to raise my people up. In a collegiate culture where sexual promiscuity is becoming more normalized, emotional people are often too shy to participate, waiting for a real relationship to come their way. Maybe if you, dear emotional reader, follow these three rules, you too can have a perfect, detached hookup.

And if you don’t? Well, don’t be too sad if you get ghosted.

Virginia Snatch is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. The Slip ‘N Slide runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.