October 6, 2022

KEMPFF | Creatures of the Cocktail Lounge

Print More

The creature looked up bleary-eyed. They hadn’t seen the light of day in weeks, muttering in front of their computer screens and problem sets. They return, night after night, in ritual regularity. Sometimes they whisper unintelligibly as their home, the Cocktail Lounge in Uris Library, reaches blazing temperatures. 

The lounge, filled with blinding white lights and endless supplies of caffeine, is discomforting to some. But to them, it was perfect. Then, it all shattered: they were chased out of their lair by a water leak. The creature, leaving their cave for the first time in a millennium, did not know where to go. 

They began to wander the campus, strolling along Cornell’s leafy streets to find a new home in which to study. They wandered into Statler Hall, home of a different species: the business student. The creature admired all their fancy suits and impressive jobs. But, the creature was scared of the overpriced coffee and the library with no books in it. So they decided to continue wandering. 

The creature then found themselves in Ives Hall. They saw tall stacks of books and felt at home in the cozy lighting. But they heard too many people saying words like “promulgating” and “quid pro quo” and became intimidated. 

So the creature wandered some more, ending up on the Arts Quad. They found a seat at Green Dragon, where they found a species similar to their own. They had caffeine here as well, although the creature noticed that these residents were remarkably better dressed. But their conversations were about books the creature had never read, so they decided to walk. 

They wandered some more, finding themselves near Stocking Hall. They were in awe at the massive rooms filled with dairy machines and the delicious ice cream. But they decided they didn’t know enough about animals to stay around these future farmers, so they continued to move.

Feeling hopeless, as the sun began to set, one of the last places they stumbled upon was Gates Hall. Gates felt a lot like the Cocktail Lounge, with packs of engineers working together to ungodly hours. But the creature didn’t care for astrophysics or the smell of body odor from unwashed engineers. So, they decided to continue moving. 

The creature was nearing its wit’s end. They’d wandered campus, trying all manners of species and their study spots. All they had to show for it was a half-finished problem set and a caffeine headache. Dejected, they headed for the one place they could think of: the slope. 

As the creature settled on the hill, they were treated to one of those glorious things all Cornellians share: our sunset. Surrounded by all of Cornell’s different species, the creature basked in the magnificent colors. From Statler Hall resident to Gates Hall regular, Cornellians of all types unite on the slope to share in the quiet grandeur that make our campus one. 

The creature, tired from a long day of adventuring, took the short walk back to the Cocktail Lounge. They found that their home had been restored, thanks to a hardworking team of Cornell employees. 

And the creature finally finished that problem set. 

Brendan Kempff is a senior in the Hotel School. He can be reached at [email protected]. Slope Side runs every other Thursday this semester.