November 16, 2022

SEX ON THURSDAY | ‘I Respect The Drunk Text,’ and Other Wise Words

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Every revolutionary idea starts as just that — an idea. In the age of the iPhone, the most revolutionary ideas of all sit in one of the many apps conveniently built into your phone: the notes app. In search of great ideas, my good friend and I started to sift through the dumb stuff in our respective notes apps to busy ourselves during our free weekend TCAT trip to the scenic Ithaca Commons. Obviously, both were chock-full of passwords, important dates, and our student ID numbers, but that’s where the similarities ended. While my notes app is full of bad, sappy poetry to all the men that have hurt my feelings, hers is full of what she called her “rancid thoughts.” Among said thoughts was one I not only loved, but felt deep in my soul: “I respect the drunk text.”

At that moment, I had an epiphany — I, too, respect the drunk text. I respect getting horny drunk and texting your sneaky link, as long as it’s anything except “u up?” I respect getting bored at a party, bolstering your confidence with liquid courage, and conceiving the most thirsty text to ever be sent. More than anything, I respect the drunk text.

A few Saturdays ago, my whole friend group began to drunk text their booty calls as the party we were at started to die. Of course, I followed along for two reasons: One, I am a sheep, and two, if they all jumped off a bridge, I definitely would too, due to my sheep-like tendencies. Since he is fully in love with me, my man responded right away. Even though we didn’t hook up that night, it was fun to flirt and blame it on the alcohol. In reality, I would’ve done the same thing sober, but I would’ve felt a lot more awkward about it.

The drunk text is art; the drunk text is escapism. We craft the most meaningful meaningless words, send them off and hope for a positive response. We feel warm inside, but can’t quite tell if it’s the alcohol, or the blush rising on our cheeks. We drunk texters pull ourselves out of reality and enter a world where free speech is required. Everyone must know everything — especially the sneaky link.

The drunk text is an excuse. Under the guise of being under the influence, you’re at liberty to be as carefree as you wish (within reason). I’m insanely mean to men, more as a defense mechanism than anything. When sending a drunk text, I can add a little sugar to my spice. It’s an excuse to act a little differently than normal, like an alter ego. 

While I do cherish the drunk text, I will recognize that it is not devoid of flaws or drawbacks. Drunk texting can lead to sending a flirty message to someone that your heart (or another organ…) might really want, but your brain knows is nothing but trouble and drama. Or, in an arguably worse scenario, you may drunk text a fling that simply does not deserve the attention. This partner is likely to get a disproportionate ego boost from you choosing to text them while drunk instead of anyone else. 

These issues do not hinder the validity of the drunk text — they are simply roadblocks, icebergs to your Titanic. Despite these potential mishaps, I am usually the messy bitch who encourages everybody to send a flirty drunk text. Unless you want to text a guy who is pure evil, more often than not, I will open iMessage, Snapchat, WhatsApp or whatever medium you choose to text over, and type the message for you.

It’s fun to get tipsy and egg on your friends, but make sure that you’re being responsible with your drunk texting powers. Doing your best to keep yourself and others safe is important — don’t be gross when drunk texting. Flirting is one thing, but it’s clear when you go too far. As someone who has been sent unsolicited nudes from a drunk guy, that is an example of going too far. No one likes harassment.

In its essence, I commend the drunk text. I will go to war for the drunk text. Above all, I respect the drunk text, and you should too. After taking time to ponder on my musings, I sincerely hope that the next time you go out, you don’t stop yourself from sending that silly, flirty text. After all, drunk words are sober thoughts, right?

Virginia Snatch is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. The Slip ‘N Slide runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.