March 7, 2024

Sex on Thursday | We Have a Top Shortage at Cornell

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These days people want everything done for them. Life does not come on a silver platter. Prime example: Every gay man on this campus wants meat but won’t dish it out! I for one am sick of this! We are truly in a top drought here at Cornell. 

As a bottom, I sadly have first-hand experience. 

I transferred here this fall as a sophomore. Although I have not been at Cornell long, I’ve made the realization rather quickly that the school is filled with bottoms like me. I have Tinder and Hinge, and I mercilessly combed through them last semester. These apps, however, are filled to the brim with twinks. After dates with some of my Tinder matches I was surprisingly catfished. These guys seemed so manly over text, but when I met with them, you guessed it: twinks. Where are my sexy tops at? 

Because I’m new here, I certainly don’t know everyone on this campus. But I’m a friendly guy! I’ve met many people — both transfers and students who attended last year. These kind souls all try to set me up with their gay friends. Every time one of these friends of mine tells me they have a gay friend they could set me up I get all excited. But guess what? TWINK. Every. Single. Time. Does it ever end? 

Of course, there are some tops on this campus. The catch is that a lot of them are passed around. I mean, it’s just too easy for them. They’re drowning in a sea of bottoms after all. I’m not shaming anyone but I just want a beautiful man who hasn’t been with every guy on this campus. It’s not too much to ask. If you want to sleep with anyone and everyone, that is your prerogative. I’m not shaming! It’s just not for me.

When expressing these concerns to other fellow gay men, they agree with me. One of my friends told me to download Grindr. I was reassured that it would be Cornell’s treasure trove of tops. Out of curiosity and boredom, I decided to see what the hype was about.

This turned out to be a big mistake. Quickly, gross guys filled my DMs with d**k pics, naked body pictures and videos of other grotesque things without asking me if I even wanted them. Not to mention you can see other people’s distance from you almost to the foot, which is pretty terrifying if you think about it. No shame to anyone who uses the app, but the moment I thought I was finally close to meeting my future boyfriend (or at least a situationship; I’ll take anything at this point) at this school, I was swiftly disappointed. I just wanted to get my dick wet. Is that too much to ask?

At the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is perpetuate patriarchal ideologies. To clarify, I am not saying that bottoms are inferior to tops. I am not saying anyone is better than anyone else. All I am saying is that this campus needs some more tops immediately.

I wish I had an explanation for this phenomenon. From personal experience, it just doesn’t seem normal. At the school I transferred from, I noticed a fairly even divide between tops and bottoms. There is a good chance, though, that I’m just living under a rock and tops are everywhere to be found. Maybe my friends and I are just loser incels who get no play. This may very well be the case. Assuming it isn’t, however, I just think it’s not looking good for us bottoms. 

The time is now for us to do something for our community. This is an important issue that no one is doing enough to raise awareness for. Instead of complaining about it, let’s do something about it! This is a call to action to my fellow bottoms to stand up for change and become a top (not me though). Together, we can even the ratio and restore balance to the Cornell gay community.

Stevie Dicks is a second-year student in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. His fortnightly column Ballads of a Lonely Twink chronicles a young gay man’s search for love.

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