As an avid movie watcher, I spend my spare time watching anything under the sun. With my people-pleasing tendencies, I will never admit to detesting a movie. Well, my people-pleasing era stops today. This past weekend, I watched a movie that pushed me straight into my villain era, and I will no longer sit silent.
To preface, I would like to add a disclaimer: I have deep trauma from the first horror movie I ever watched. The film that shall not be named was not merely terrifying — it was revolting. About two minutes in, skulls were crushed. The sound effects reverberate in my nightmares. By the end, someone was cooked (this is not Gen Z slang — someone was physically baked and served). If you know what movie I am writing about, I am sorry for you and hope you have been seeking psychological help since its release. I certainly did not. And so, I optimistically ventured to the theater to watch Heretic, a movie that seemed less gory with a higher rating on Rotten Tomatoes … or so I thought.
Heretic is a horror film where two female Mormon missionaries go to a sadistic old man’s home to introduce him to their faith (you see the problem with this already). As you can imagine, they were deceived, trapped in a room with no exit and psychologically tormented.
I often ponder the stability of those who take pride in the feral behavior of watching these films. I guess I am in no position to speak as I willingly took the bus there, walked into the disorienting Cinemapolis entrance and entered the foul-smelling theater. My five-foot-two self could have left when I entered a theater full of bearded lumberjack-like men. I did not think my terror could intensify until the movie started and an uncomfortable conversation about pornography ensued between the two Mormon women.
This movie was problematic on so many accounts. First, the entire premise was spewing anti-religious propaganda. The directors added horror through a revolting scene where a “prophetic” figure eats blueberry pie and dies. The movie was more repulsive, exasperating and disrespectful than scary. Secondly, there were fewer action scenes than psychotic monologues from the old man. Most importantly, it was like any other horror movie: aiming to disturb the audience through death, mediocre special effects and fatal mistakes by the protagonists.
Some people have been caught in the vicious cycle of watching horror movies. I am deeply sorry for you, dear victim. As Cornellians, we can barely time-block reasonable sleep schedules or time to eat between classes. My genuine pity for avid horror movie watchers has led me to generously compile a list of five other pastimes you can participate in that are actually worth your time.
- Buy an Axolotl Squishmallow and take it on adventures around Ithaca. While there are a grand total of three places you can go, you will find more joy in the blistering wind, Target or Collegetown Bagels than entering a musty theater to watch a disturbing film. Axolotls are adorable, and Squishmallows are the superior emotional support objects when your professors relentlessly deflate your grades.
- Who needs cold plunges when you live in Ithaca? Go to the Arts Quad and sit there. It is a very grounding experience — you notice how unhinged people (and Ithaca squirrels) are. You do not need to watch a horror movie to do so. I once saw two Frat Bros fighting in Zorb balls. And do not even get me started on those savage, likely rabid squirrels. Trust me, when you are pelted in the head with acorns from trees Ezra Cornell planted himself (do not fact-check this), you will not regret skipping out on that horror movie date.
- I know you have not set foot into the gym since O-Week of your freshman year. It is still not too late to enter your Winter Arc by using the gym membership you boldly purchased at the beginning of the semester. Plus, you can get a well-deserved post-workout sweet treat!
- I am sure you are actively procrastinating your laundry. So let us try something else: extreme ironing. Extreme ironing is a sport where people go to remote locations with ironing boards to iron their clothing. You are in Upstate New York — there is so much dying nature this time of year, so we should make productive use of it. Stop showing up to your interviews with wrinkly clothes; go iron your business professional in Buttermilk Falls instead!
- Finally, and most importantly, go to class. I know you are skipping your math discussion section right now. Why else would you still be reading this article?
My intention with this piece is not to offend anyone but to challenge the socially acceptable phenomenon of watching horror movies — particularly Heretic. I will never understand the thrill of watching a movie where you know at least one of the main characters will inevitably die from their own stupidity (not a spoiler, just common sense). Especially not when the movie is blasphemously trying to indoctrinate movie-goers. From this experience, I have learned that Rotten Tomatoes is a scam, never to set foot in another horror movie screening again and to graciously relay a life-affirming message to you all: find a better pastime.
If you are looking for a new watch related to Mormonism, pick The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives about MomTok. You will be far more entertained than watching a menacing old man trap women in his home to manipulate them.
Together, we can find better, more civilized things to do with our time.
Ava Tafreshi is a freshman in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be reached at [email protected].