In US history classes we learn that, after one initial rejection, Queen Isabella agreed to sponsor Christopher Columbus’ journey to discover (and subsequently colonize) the New World. While this isn’t technically false, a few charming details are conveniently left out of the history books, and I’m here to set the record straight. So, this Thanksgiving we will discuss two historically significant cunts: first, the cunt of Queen Isabella, and second Christopher Columbus, one raging cunt of a man.
In the early 1480s, Columbus sought sponsorship from Ferdinand II of Aragon and Isabella of Castile to fund his journey across the Atlantic Ocean in hopes of reaching the East Indies by sailing westward, unaware of the continent that would stand in his way. Because the jointly ruling couple was short on funds and more focused on localized conquest, they declined Columbus’ request. This is where things start to get interesting…
It is regularly assumed that Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand, bound together by politics more than by love and under tensions with the Catholic Church as a result of their too-close-to-be-sanctioned familial relation – the two were second cousins – did not share a relationship characterized by fidelity. For much of their marriage, the two did not share a home. It is also speculated that Columbus and Queen Isabella shared a close relationship following the royal rejection, including but perhaps not limited to more intimate fraternizations. These two logical assumptions have led historians to the question: What exactly prompted Queen Isabella’s rather sudden shift in attitude toward Columbus’s journey across the pond?
Modern anthropological autopsy tells us that Queen Isabella died with syphilis. What is more interesting is that King Ferdinand appears to have never contracted it. So, where did the Queen contract this STD? There is no way to know exactly, but of all the eligible bachelors and romantic interests in the Queen’s entourage, it’s worth noting that Christopher Columbus also carried the disease.
Here is the theory: In 1491 after the initial rejection of Columbus’ voyage proposal, King Ferdinand took a more hands-on approach to the royal seizure of Granada leaving Queen Isabella at home to rule. Taken by Columbus’ straightforward advances and horny from the absence of her husband or other suitors, the two slept together and the explorer left the Queen with a sexual souvenir. By 1492 when her husband was due home, either out of fear of Ferdinand discovering the subject of her infidelity or care and a desire to protect Columbus from the discovery of their affair, Queen Isabella sent him as far from Spain as possible; all the way to the New World.
While Europeans and the Columbian exchange brought numerous, previously unimaginable diseases to the Americas, we know that syphilis existed among Native populations prior to the Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria. However, this doesn’t mean that Columbus didn’t bring a case of it across the Atlantic with him (and continue to spread it).
Much of history is speculation, and nearly all of it is written by men. We will never know exactly what kind of relationship Christopher Columbus truly shared with Queen Isabella, but this Thanksgiving I urge you to consider the possibility that many of us wouldn’t be on this continent had it not been for a perfectly timed case of unprotected sex and STD transmission, 535 years ago. After all, if a man gave me syphilis, I would also try and banish him across an ocean.
Grace Elmore is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.