Grace Elmore / Sun Contributor

January 29, 2025

SEX ON THURSDAY | Ditching Virginity

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As I reflected on what to bring to the table for my first truly public column, I realized that it only makes sense to start from the beginning. For a sex column, “the beginning” means one thing: virginity — having it, losing it, taking it and abolishing it as a concept.

At this point in our lives, we’ve all heard the dreaded question: “When did you lose your virginity?” Although I have a series of concerns with this inquiry, the most important one is that there is no correct answer. You’ve either “lost it” too young, too late, or haven’t at all — with unique stigmas accompanying each option. There is truly no way to win.

Further, the act of “losing” one’s virginity doesn’t actually involve losing anything. For those with a penis, having sex for the first time doesn’t change the body at all. It simply unlocks a series of physical sensations not experienced before. For those bearing female anatomy, there is a chance that having sex for the first time involves the breaking of one’s hymen, a piece of tissue that covers part of the vaginal opening — but even this is unlikely. In fact, so many hymen-havers tear their tissue via other activities or not at all that the Cleveland Clinic has no problem asserting that despite its reputation for being an indicator of sexual activity, the hymen “usually has no connection to whether a woman (or person assigned female at birth) has had sex.” But even the potential tearing of one’s hymen does not constitute a “loss.” So where does this terminology — losing one’s virginity — come from?

There are entire books written about virginity and “losing” it. In summary, the concept of virginity emerged as a female-specific expectation to ensure paternity (literally) and innocence (metaphysically) to one’s husband. Women who were deemed virgins via their intact hymens alongside other boof medicine were valued at everything from a higher dowry to reverence for the ability of their purity to attract unicorns… seriously. But this is no joke; since its conceptual origin, virginity, and the improvable “possession” of it have been used to oppress and abuse women. Historically, “losing” one’s virginity (as a woman) means literally and figuratively losing value and innocence, an idea I can’t help but laugh at today, and you should too.

Male virginity doesn’t enter the conversation until much later and comes with a completely different subtext. A point of embarrassment throughout pop culture and widely (inaccurately) deemed an indicator of social ignorance, being in “possession” of one’s virginity is a card most men hold close to their chest. While women were praised for abstinence, men were chastised. In some ways, this still holds true. Today, sexually active women are ostracized — sluts, whores — while sexually active men are worshipped — players, pimps, womanizers. No matter where you go in history, society wants women to remain “pure” and men to sow their wild oats, which is funny considering those two things are not possible in tandem.

In my opinion, a phrase worse than “losing one’s virginity” is “taking one’s virginity,” and for similar reasons — nothing is being taken. When someone chooses to have sex for the first time, the only thing arguably “taken” from them is the abstract version of a self who has never experienced the physical sensation of sex. Historically, when a man had sex with his virginal bride for the first time, he was taking her innocence. For more reasons than I care to write about, we are far past sex being an indicator of “innocence” and, even if it were, taking someone’s innocence is not something to be boasting about in 2025. In a modern world where moving past the crumpled flower symbolism is imperative, we need to do away with the “taking” talk. If anything, having sex for the first time should be about receiving a pleasurable experience, not losing a hypothetical piece of self.

There is no notion of virginity that does not place one’s value — specifically women’s value — between their legs. I would love to say that virginity is a concept that has evolved with the times, but it just hasn’t. In order to separate images of impurity, unrighteousness and vulgarity from those who are sexually active, we must first separate images of virginity, innocence and purity from those who are not. And a simple vernacular shift from “When did you lose your virginity?” to “How old were you when you had sex for the first time?” may seem silly, but it makes all the difference (even though, at the end of the day, that information is no one’s business).

Grace Elmore is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. Grace and her column can be found on Instagram, @graace.elmoree Let’s Talk About Sex runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.