Hey, freak! Are you a straight person who has ever wondered what hot, steamy, man-on-man gay sex is like, but couldn't quite visualize it? As the professor of GSEX 1101: Introduction to Gay Sex for Straight People, I will lecture you on all things homosexual.
Most of my straight friends, women and men, don’t have many other gay friends, so they are often baffled by my sexual commentary. I get a lot of the same questions, some insightful, and others less so. I’ve heard my fair share of “do you poo on it?” type of questions. So, in the spirit of education, let’s clear some things up.
I want you to be a better friend when your gay friend talks about his sexual encounters. Who knows? Maybe after this, you’ll be inspired to have some gay sex for yourself! Ladies, grab the strap-on!
The Basics
Let’s start with some terms. In the gay world, those who like receiving presents on their birthday are called “bottoms,” whereas those who give out presents are called “tops.” Men who get down and dirty with both are called “verse” (short for versatile).
Before anal sex, bottoms often do something called “douching.” This is the act of cleaning out their butt with liquids so they don’t have an accident during the act. Just yesterday I learned of a friend having a shower attachment he uses, which is pretty bougie. Honestly, it’s not always necessary— just have a high-fiber diet and you’ll be good to go (no pun intended). Fun fact: most Americans don’t get their recommended daily fiber intake. Eat your vegetables!
Lube is an absolute necessity when sticking it up the rear. I’m not saying you need a Diddy-party-amount of lube but at least some is a must!. Even with lube, it still hurts, but it hurts good.
Oh, and “mueefs” (man queefs) are very much real. I have done this once or twice. It's not our fault, okay?
Intermediate
There are a lot of terms that describe groups of gay people. The most common one is “twink”, a skinny, young guy with little to no body hair. A “twunk” (what I am often referred to as) is a mix of a hunky man and a twink. A “bear” is a masculine and heavy, hairy man, whereas an “otter” is a bear but the skinny version.
There are actually an insane amount of terms, but that’s something you’ll have to learn on your own.
Straight people might not realize it, but we have a lot of the same sex positions, just slightly modified. I’ve noticed the most popular is missionary, but doggy and riding are up there too. Surprisingly to some of my friends, backshots are also a thing with gay people. Also contrary to what many people might think, I do not want to be cummed inside unless it's someone I’m dating. I may not be able to get pregnant, but I don't want STDs!
Also, for the record, your balls do not swing back and forth like a Newton’s cradle during sex. Yes, some of my friends genuinely thought that this is what happened.
Advanced
Gay culture is fairly different from straight culture. Many of us spent high school closeted, so we didn’t go through our “horny slut era” until college. That’s why most attractive gay men don’t want a relationship yet, they’re still catching up.
Even now in college when being out is pretty widely accepted,there are still a lot of “DL” or “down low” men (men who are closeted). I’ve been hearing a lot about “DL trade” online but I am genuinely so confused about what it means even after reading an article about it, so you’ll just have to look that up yourself.
Then there’s Grindr, an all-gay hookup app similar to Tinder. Spoiler: it is disgusting. Everyone on that app just wants to pump and dump with whoever has a heartbeat. Everyone is so horny it's terrifying. They don’t even want to get to know the person, they just want meat in their mouth or butt or whatever.
Now that's all the time we have for class today. I hope you all enjoyed this introduction to gay sex. Stay curious!
P.S. Yes, the male G-spot is a thing. But I’ve never experienced an orgasm from it. So if you’re a pro at finding it, let me know at sdicks@cornellsun.com.
Stevie Dicks is a second-year student in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. His fortnightly column Ballads of a Lonely Twink chronicles a young gay man’s search for love. He can be reached at sdicks@cornellsun.com.
