For a college student, March 17th marks one of the most sacred days of the partying school year: St. Patrick’s Day. Dedicated to celebrating the end of midterms, the coming of springtime, and bar discounts on shitty green beer, it’s a holiday defined by all-day drinking — rain or shine. At Cornell, this day manifests itself on the streets of Collegetown, where fraternity annex houses and bars are fueled by drunk, horny college students.
If you find yourself amongst many of the students who plan to flirt their way to a pot of gold on the night of St. Pat, there are some things you should keep in mind whilst consuming throughout the day, namely, the versions of alcohol or other substances you will be welcoming into your body.
As someone who has made Cornell’s St.Patrick’s Day darties a mission for the past three years, I venture to consider myself somewhat of an expert when it comes to which indulgences set one up for the most successful post-darty lay, and it is now my honor to share this accumulated wisdom with you. Let us begin:
1. Wine. This renowned aphrodisiac is widely regarded as a beverage curated to elevate sexual energy. (If you’ve had the luxury of participating in Cornell’s HADM 4300, Wines, you’ll likely recognize this to be true). If you plan to bring a version of alcoholic grape juice to the streets, there are some things to keep in mind: Wine is known to stimulate sexuality, however, it is also a perpetrator in eliciting exhaustion. For this reason, very few Cornellians may opt to consume it as their primary drink on a holiday that requires multiple hours of midday activity. (Not to mention, wine isn’t the easiest liquid to dye a festive color). That being said, if your priority is a darty intermission in the bedroom of that special someone rather than a beer-sticky annex floor, a well-timed glass of wine might be exactly what you need.
2. Others among the student population (think stereotypical frat brothers), will choose to stick with beer – namely, Guinness – for the Irish holiday. While beer is certainly enough to maintain the drunken spirit of the day and will get you tipsy enough to be in the mood, it will also make you bloated. And, god forbid, if the heavy drink is mixed with hard liquor later in the afternoon, you can abandon any hope you once had of getting it on… Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Overall, I would discourage those with bedroom plans beyond Catherine Street from relying solely on beer to keep them going.
3. Next, I will address those who are stronger than I am and choose to indulge exclusively in hard alcohol – dare I suggest, Irish whisky – throughout the day. As painful as this may sound, consciously drinking hard alcohol and mixers can be the best way to keep track of how much you’ve consumed. Something as simple as a tally on your forearm can let you know whether you’re good for one more or if it's time for a water. If you make an effort to decide exactly what you can drink the morning of and stick to that limit, demure consumption of hard alcohol and hydrating mixers may help you find yourself completely ready to go for an after-hours rendezvous.
4. Last but certainly not least, I turn to the star of our campus’ St. Patty’s show: BORG. More formally known as the “Blackout Rage Gallon,” BORG is a controversial drink of choice on any day of the year due to its association with alcohol poisoning and overall irresponsible decision-making. Regardless, it is exceptionally popular on St. Patrick’s Day. You can dye BORGs green, add as much alcohol as you desire, give them funny names, and more. However, the narrowly avoidable result of consuming a BORG is highlighted in its name: blackout. If you hope to make it back to your dorm or apartment with memories of the day, let alone accomplish anything upon your arrival vital self-awareness is needed: measure exactly how much alcohol you hope to consume over the course of a day and be sure to include other balancing elements (LiquidIV, vitamin C, water, etc.). If you can be trusted to stick to the limits set by your better self, a BORG could set you up for a very happy ending. But if you tend to be a victim of adding “just one more splash” of your chosen spirit or like to taste-test other friends’ drinks throughout the day, I urge you to choose another method of indulgence.
It would be foolish to discuss drinking and sex in the same breath without mentioning the most critical element of potential St. Patrick’s Day hookups (and any sexscapade): consent. While consent as an overarching concept requires much more attention than what the remaining word count for this discussion allows, there is one simple rule that must be articulated and followed, which is that consent cannot be given under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Male or female, one drink or ten, if your “yes” is slurred, it isn’t a yes.
By no means is this to say that you can’t get lucky on St. Patrick’s Day, but the terms of doing so should be discussed before the first drink is sipped. Know whose bed you plan to end up in, and make sure your friends know too. This weekend, the streets of Collegetown will be flooded with Cornell’s sexiest gingers and horniest Irishmen, so be sure to make decisions that will leave you feeling lucky even once the morning of the 18th arrives.
Grace Elmore is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to gelmore@cornellsun.com. Grace and her column can be found on Instagram, @graace.elmoree Let’s Talk About Sex runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.
