As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Taylor Swift just came out with a new album.
I’ve tried my very best to avoid it and any news about it, but she’s the type of artist that has become inescapable in 2025. It’s not that I hate her. I actually quite like some of her songs! I just think that her era has passed. I’m not even on Instagram right now, much less any other social media, and I am still confronted with information about this album that I never asked for. However, one song did pique my interest. Have you all listened to the raunchy 60s-themed song “Wood” on Taylor Swift’s The Life of a Showgirl? I’ve been told it’s about Travis Kelce’s dick. Obviously, this is of great importance to me. I love a sex tune! I think they’re fun to listen to, great to fuck to and absolutely essential for a karaoke sesh. Yet this one fell flat. It couldn’t stick the landing. Why?
The ballad starts with the familiar twang of The Jackson 5 teaching you about the alphabet. With a clear nod to the trend that I credit to Sabrina Carpenter, the old 60s aesthetic is new once again. The lyrics start tame by talking about Swift’s unlucky life in love, only shifting to the innuendo in the latter two-thirds. This is when we get to hear about her lover’s “wood.” With lyrics such as “His love was the key that opened my thighs” and “The curse on me was broken by your magic wand,” she’s not exactly being subtle. But she’s not exactly dripping sex either.
Feeling somewhat blue-balled, I took a second, more in depth, listen to figure out what I was missing. On my third listen, I wasn’t sure if there was anything to miss.
Beyond a doubt, Taylor Swift’s track was informed by Sabrina Carpenter in more than just musicality. I’ve listened to Sabrina sing raunchy songs about sex under sixties-inspired sets since 2022 (say that five times fast). Her latest album, Man’s Best Friend, features her being dragged by the hair on her knees by a man who is cropped out of frame. One of the trending songs in the album, “House Tour”, strongly encourages her suitor to “come inside”. She’s the short but sweet princess of sexy songs. You wouldn’t think that any of the songs from either artist runs the risk of being too risqué, though. They keep it concealed under layers of heavy innuendo and word play. I think Swift and Carpenter both seem to run under the same wink wink nod nod rules about sex; They can talk about sex, and be sexy while talking about sex, but they absolutely can not be erotic. It’s so boring!
Take these songs compared to real sex songs. Here’s one of my favorites, Closer by the Nine Inch Nails. Sex just drips off of it. It is impossible to deny the pure eroticism of the track, from the all-encompassing bass line to the weirdly electrifying outro. Oh yeah, and the lyrics. I feel as if they speak for themselves. Do a quick Google, I’m sure you’ll agree. Closer is only able to get such high praise from me because of its absolute commitment to being sexy. There is no shying away from the subject matter; every piece of the piece drills sex into your mind, body, and spirit.
Another favorite of mine is the latter half of Beyoncé’s “Partition”. It would be easy for me to assume that NIN can only afford to speak so candidly about sex because they’re a male band. However, I have yet to hear a way to speak about a private rendezvous in the back of a limousine that is more explicit. Despite the title of the track, I don’t feel partitioned from sex the same way Taylor Swift and Sabrina Carpenter make me feel. Like the NIN, Beyoncé doesn’t seemed frightened by societal expectations. It’s intimate. It’s bold. It’s erotic!
This is the key to true eroticism — a commitment to the bit. Nothing in sex music is exciting right now because nobody commits to anything anymore.
To be transparent with you, dear reader, I never expected Taylor Swift to suddenly come out with an absolutely erotic sex anthem. I didn’t expect much more from Sabrina Carpenter. But maybe if we all put our big-girl panties and big-boy boxers on, we can stomach something a little stronger than lyrics simply “ah-matized[ing]” us, without scandalizing the Parent Advisory board.
Cherry Poppins is a virgin who will take Songs About Sex for 500, Alex! You know where to find her. Oh wait you don’t? Try cpoppins@cornellsun.com. And when you do, ask her for her sex playlist. It’s pretty magical.
