Before I begin, let me clarify my position. Everyone is entitled to making their own decisions when it comes to bodily autonomy, sexual desires and romantic expectations. However, with the stigma against sexual exploration decreasing with each generation, I believe it is critical to make informed decisions while also maximizing your personal wants and needs.
For centuries, waiting to have sex until marriage has been the norm, if not the requirement. All Abrahamic religions explicitly forbid premarital relations, with scripture defining marriage as a sacred covenant a couple enters into when they “become one flesh” and have intercourse. With over 65 percent of Americans subscribing to Abrahamic religions (Christianity, Judaism, and Islam), it is puzzling that 95 percent of American adults have had premarital sex. Why this disconnect? If faith preaches chastity, why do Americans choose to mess around before getting married?
There are three main reasons why waiting until marriage is naive and outdated; the importance of sexual compatibility, decreasing rates of marriage and the sexist implications of this expectation.
First, the importance of sexual compatibility in a relationship cannot be understated. In Sex and the City, Samantha is head over heels for her new boyfriend, James. But, when she discovers their lack of sexual chemistry and his inability to please her, she is brought to tears and the relationship falls apart. Sexual chemistry usually leads to increased sex, which has countless benefits, the most notable of which is an increase in oxytocin. Also known as “the love drug,” oxytocin is released during orgasm and reduces insecurities, stress and depression, while increasing feelings of connection and general health. Without sexual compatibility, these invaluable assets are foregone, and sexual disconnect is one of the leading causes of divorce.
In addition, more and more Americans are choosing to stay single or cohabitate with a partner without getting married. In fact, the number of marriages per year in America has been more than cut in half since the 1960s, and the average age of someone choosing to get married has increased by eight years. Without the pressure of having to wait to have sex, people — especially women — are free to explore different paths and careers before settling down, without having to sacrifice a satisfying sex life. Americans have realized that living with their partner without a contract while maintaining their financial independence can be ideal. More and more couples are remaining childless and unmarried, practicing a “double income no kids” lifestyle. With the cost of living rising steadily in almost every major city, having kids is appealing to less couples – married and unmarried. Staying unmarried and kid-free allows for more financial freedom and worldly experiences like travel or entrepreneurship.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, the idea of waiting until marriage is rooted in misogyny and a persistent purity culture that places women in an impossible situation. Marriage originated in Mesopotamia as a contract between families. Women were traded for property, goods and other valuable assets, and there was no romantic aspect in a marriage. Even through the 19th and 20th centuries women were traded by men for financial gains, with little to no thought being given to their wants, needs and desires. Now, with marriage in America being a symbol of love and dedication, women are not forced into relationships in the same way. This means we can take our time figuring out the type of partner we want, if we want one at all, without worrying about fulfilling a contractual obligation. Currently, women are stuck between a rock and a hard place. While our society has advanced enough to allow women the autonomy to choose their partners and dictate their sex lives, we still look down on those who choose to have whatever society deems “too much sex.” But, at the same time, men have increasingly extraordinary expectations when it comes to sex, mostly because of exposure to pornography. How can women be expected to stay a virgin until her wedding night, then transform into Mia Khalifa as soon as her groom gets her into bed? The answer is simple; we can’t expect this, but many do anyway.
Sex and marriage culture in America is super complex, but thankfully, we no longer have to act like sex is taboo or forbidden. So many people have their own reasons for choosing to have pre-marital sex, and a lot of us don’t plan on getting married at all. Even though Americans are religious, they still recognize the importance of sexual freedom and testing out the car before you buy it, so to speak.
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