88 Minutes Too Long

Watching 88 Minutes is about as fun as masturbating with sandpaper (or so I’d imagine). This serial killer crime flick tortures the audience from start to finish — a grueling 108 minutes in length (I know, the title is deceiving). Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I hope to save you some time and money this week, because this movie is absolutely the most terrible film I have seen in recent memory — 88 Minutes only finds consistency in its trashiness. With cinematography akin to a fifth grader’s iMovie project, in addition to abysmal acting and a stale plotline, 88 Minutes fails in every criteria for entertainment and moviemaking.

A Kick in the (Leather)head

Sometimes it is wrong to judge a movie by its trailer, since previews cannot capture the character, class and depth of truly great films. In the case of Leatherheads however, the movie is every bit as stupid as its previews would have you believe. As a director, George Clooney transitions from critically acclaimed hits — Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and Good Night, and Good Luck. — to this piece of crap. Leatherheads is the kind of film that I would never, ever pay to see if The Sun weren’t subsidizing my ticket stub.
George Clooney plays the scrappy-and-tough Jimmy “Dodge” Connelly, the leader and star of the aging Duluth Bulldogs, a professional football team.

Creeping Creeps and Slow-Boiling Scares

I never thought I’d say this, but orphans scare the bejesus out of me. In the same vein as Stephen King’s classic Children of the Corn, The Orphanage manages to take the most innocent and harmless characters and turn them into the most frightening fiends. The wildly successful Spanish import (originally titled El Orfanato) was directed by Juan Antonio Bayona, who has previously been recognized exclusively for his Spanish pop music videos. Executive producer Guillermo del Toro (director of 2006’s Pan’s Labyrinth) appears to have had much creative influence over this surrealistic horror film, which stylistically bears a strong resemblance to Pan’s Labyrinth.

Nice Moves?

If you want to watch hot, sweaty people gyrating their hips and spinning on their heads for 98 minutes, then Step Up 2 the Streets was made for you. The film takes its place in a growing genre of dance films that includes You Got Served, Honey, and Stomp the Yard.

Jack Johnson Test Spin

After hits like “Bubble Toes” and “Banana Pancakes,” Jack Johnson hasn’t been known for his musical virtuosity or innovative compositions. Jack takes a significant step out of his comfort zone in Sleep Through the Static. JP Plunier, the producer of Johnson’s debut album Brushfire Fairytales, reunites with him on this dark, gloomy and more complex record. Jack Johnson transitions from his typical surfer-bum acoustic strumming to explore themes of loneliness and self-discovery.