LETTER TO THE EDITOR | Let’s Write a Guest Column, Bro

Frankly, I find it ridiculous that The Sun’s opinion section keeps refusing to publish my guest articles. I have, like, some good ideas. I’m thinking about stuff that no one’s willing to talk about. Like, what about “GUEST ROOM | Gay Son or Thot Daughter?” sounds so unpublishable? My boys and I get frosted and talk about stuff like that all the time. It’s stuff people actually want to read about. Like, it’s lowkey a hard question right? 


Every day I seem to crave the euphoric feeling that only marijuana can provide. I can feel the boundaries of myself dissipate, as I become one with the world — I don’t know where I begin or where I end…I inhale and exhale. I start to receive glances as people crane their necks to see who’s blazing up on the slope. Well, that stoner is me and this is my story. 


Against popular opinion, I must say I am truly enjoying all of the content you are publishing. From topics on free speech to Greek life — you’re doing it all. And you’re doing it poignantly. That being said, I need you to relax this week. All these serious topics on local and national events is, how do I put this, killing my vibe. Today is perhaps the most important national holiday after St. Patrick’s Day. I know how important your job is, but could you possibly consider taking the day off today? Maybe meet me on the slope for a quick smoke and I can pitch you my idea on why twinkies are the best drug day snack.

Pollack: A Martha Story is Going to Change Cinema Forever

Last week at the Cans film festival, thousands of lucky fans, critics and members of the film community were treated to a sold out premiere screening of the much anticipated new movie, Pollack: A Martha Story. Reuniting Martin Scorsese as director and Paul Schraeder as writer, Pollack stars character actress Margot Martindale as Cornell’s very own beloved president, following her through the early years of her life. It opens from humble beginnings, with Martha only a student at Dartmouth — one of the worst schools in the Ivy League — and follows her as she works her way up to become a graduate student at a marginally better Ivy League school. It charts serious setbacks (serving as an administrator at a public university) and brilliant accomplishments, such as working in the field of AI a mere decade before it actually got exciting. Scorsese films each titillating scene with his trademark flourishes, and presents the hallowed halls of academia in the same manner that he’s previously captured the Mafia, Wall Street Criminals and Gilded Age politicians. 

Of course, every biopic is only as good as its central romance, and Pollack is no exception, featuring a brilliant turn from Tilda Swinton as Vice President Ryan Lombardi.

Attention Lazy Fucks: Cornell Opens Walk-Thru Dining Hall

Despite the treacherous winter weather and scary Ithaca Walmart, we really are lucky to go to a school with such innovative minds. Where else could you get a Chinese takeout on the move as you rush to fail your math prelim? Where else could you quickly find a salad after being canceled for answering a provocative Big Red Heads question? The new walk-thru Dining Hall is state of the art, and will offer countless benefits to the Cornell student body. 

Cornell Study Shows Computer Science Majors, Engineers Have Negative Rizz

A recently published study, “Measuring the Rizz Factor of Cornell Undergraduates,” by Prof. Harry Kuntz, sexual health, and Prof. Anita Dick, sociology, indicates findings that are shocking but ultimately not surprising: while the general patterns were predictable, some results — reproduced through multiple iterations of the experiment — were unforeseen.

Martharitaville No Longer: Puerto Rico Becomes the First US Territory to Ban Cornell Spring Breakers

On Wednesday, April 20, Puerto Rico’s President of the State Joey Byron announced that the island would no longer accept Cornell students and alumni as visitors during spring break. With approval from U.S. President Joe Biden and in cooperation with the local hospitality industry, Cornellians will no longer find relaxation and repose on this island. “We’ve dealt with everything from loitering, littering, public indecency, loudness, complete disrespect of local customs and on top of everything, almost every resident has complained about Cornell students taking up the beach for bonfires,” said Sandra Lee, secretary to Byron. The new rule applies to all currently enrolled Cornell students. Before booking flights and Airbnbs, the government will be cross-checking first and last names with student data in Cornell’s Student Center, to which the University has provided the local government access.

Incoming Intern at Amazon Forgets to Post Job Update on LinkedIn, Kicked Out of Dyson

On Saturday, April 16, a junior in the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management, Bill N. Gai ’23, forgot to post an update on LinkedIn for his upcoming internship at Amazon. Gai’s failure to post, a requirement of the Applied Economics and Management major, prompted his removal from the school. 

Gai was immediately transferred to the College of Arts and Sciences to be an English major to match the level of activity needed on his LinkedIn account. The English Department accepted Gai with open arms, eager to finally have a male student. The LinkedIn post fulfills the AEM major’s “sell soul to corporate America” requirement. By sharing their ridiculously overpaid entry-level job update with the world, the students help solidify their career goals and trajectory.  

The requirement was also a push to garner a sense of community among the Dyson students. 

“By comparing yourself to other students, it is intended to give our students Imposter  Syndrome.

Forkified: Unlimited Forks to Arrive at Cornell Dining Halls (Fork Yeah!)

Unlimited Forks are soon to arrive at Cornell dining halls, notably Robert Purcell and Toni Morrison dining. This is a huge feat, considering that forks are essential to eating foods like noodles, salads, many kinds of meat and more. The estimated arrival date of the much-anticipated Unlimited Forks is January 2035. Last semester, students complained of going to dining halls, sitting down, forgetting utensils and then walking around looking for the utensil station, only to find no forks — only a plethora of knives and a small handful of spoons. Following this, an intense internal debate would ensue about if it’s worth eating salad with a spoon.