Just as Ariana lists Big Sean, Ricky Alvarez, Mac Miller and Pete Davidson as her formative exes, I see omelettes (“one taught me love”), scrambled eggs (“one taught me patience”), poached eggs and rolled omelettes as milestones in my progress as a cook.
Okay. A lot of me really likes Ariana Grande’s music. Well, her newer music. You were probably listening to it Saturday night in the basement of (insert frat name here); “Problem,” “One Last Time,” “Bang Bang,” “Break Free.” Yeah, the songs are contrived and sustained purely by endless repetitions of 2 eight-counts of whichever instrument is being showcased and the high-flying cascades that Grande pulls off with her voice, but they’ll get you to sing along, or dance, or both. If you take yourself seriously, maybe don’t watch any of the videos — either they’re filled with camp or I’m just not understanding the artistic message she’s sending out — but there’s no danger in enjoying a little bubblegum now and then between your really profound “Indie Discover Relax Golden” playlist you’ve homegrown on Spotify.