We’ve all been there — you’ve tried every love potion on the market (even your mother-in-law’s horrifying concoction of Mountain Dew and toad legs), and none seem to bring back the spark that you and your Valentine found back in 1252. Things were going great: You spent your days terrorizing the locals with blasphemous femininist ideology while your Valentine tended to the fields. Though your relationship was largely peaceful, you went through the occasional rough patch. Luckily, any lover’s spat could be quickly solved with a trip to Eros’ temple, where he graciously offered free couples counseling and a warm cup of spiced wine.
But those were the old days; ever since he started working at that TJ Maxx on 5th Avenue to pay his rent, Eros has simply had no time for any of his loyal customers anymore. What’s a gal got to do to spice up her relationship these days?