SEX ON THURSDAYS | The 10 Types of People You’ll Have Sex With at Cornell

Cornellians like to have sex (I mean, have you read this column before?), and who can blame us? Between the never-ending stress of classwork, the brutally frigid winter, and the crushing fear that we’ll all end up dying alone, people here would likely explode (literally, in some cases) without the opportunity to fuck around a little bit. In a school of 14,000 undergrads — and 7,000 graduate students if you have a thing for that — Cornellians have their pick of a broad selection of sexual partners. During your four years in Ithaca, you’ll probably encounter a variety of snuggle buddies. Here are the 10 types of people you’ll have sex with at Cornell:

The First: It’s o-week, and you’ve ventured out into Collegetown with your 50 new best friends you met on your floor.

GOLDFINE | Alpha Art Bros, Clitoral Bangers and The Chainsmokers

I love The Chainsmokers and I’m bitter about it. I love them the way I love reality television: deeply and wretchedly, gluttonously and gloriously. I love them the way you love a boy who doesn’t know you exist. I’m bitter because The Chainsmokers bought their fame with aural scourge, “#SELFIE,” a pseudo-gesture at cultural critique (about like, image culture or something) that did it’s real work as a femininity-bashing reduction of women to jealousy, narcissism and mirror-primping chatter. I’m bitter because Drew Taggart and Alex Pall are spokesboys of a thriving subculture of Alpha art bros, aka standard edition bros disguised in floral button-ups and Nike Frees, dripping with entrepreneurial smugness; the EDM analogue to the nerds with god complexes who start a successful business exploiting a market trend, care a little bit about their product (they refer to their music as “topline” or “deliverables”) but a lot about making stupid amounts money and being very famous.