SEX ON THURSDAY | The Dildos and Dildon’ts of Quarantine

I rock back and forth in my childhood room rewatching every episode of Seinfeld. I furiously latch hook a rug to keep my hands busy. I’ve already knitted seventeen hats, rolled five beeswax candles, made a papier-mache dragon and assembled a tiny ship in a bottle. I’m starting to run out of things to occupy my sexual energy — before my hands will resort to frenzied masturbation instead of frenzied arts and crafts. This is one of the few times Anya Neeze is going to strongly advise you not to seek out physical sexual contact with anyone outside your home unless you own a full hazmat suit or medieval plague doctor costume.

SEX ON THURSDAY | The Folly of the Ouroboros

Blowing yourself sucks cock. I say this from experience, being thin and limber enough that I can reach my penis with my mouth. Let’s get a few things clear: it’s only strange that I can actually do it, not that I’ve tried. Every man has tried to blow himself at one point or another. Fact: your dad has tried to blow himself.

Man Pleads Guilty to Public Lewdness on Campus

Bradley P. Hannula, a 22-year-old male from Tioga County, pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor for public lewdness on Friday. On July 27, Hannula followed a woman in his vehicle while masturbating on campus, according to the Cornell University Police Department. The woman reported that Hannula drove up to her on Cradit Farm Drive and asked for directions. She was able to see him masturbating and walked past the vehicle, which turned around and drove past her a second time, according to CUPD. Following the incident, CUPD was able to identify and find Hannula, who admitted to the incident when interviewed.