During my time within the Monastery of Saint Martin the Merciful, I have often noticed within The Sun’s pages a disproportionate amount of space devoted to extolling the pleasures of physical (and needless to say, premarital) contact and detailing shameless and blatant sexual escapades. While I do not chastise these souls for their conduct, I cannot help but feel that they (and by extension, all of you) are in need of some proper guidance on how to experience pleasure while following a pious life. Of course, this obstacle to a pious life arises since so many of us are drawn to what is completely physical, delivering an immediate sensation that one believes is tantamount to the joy of communicating with God, but which vanishes as soon as it finishes. This is obviously the orgasm, which (so I’ve heard from many regretful testimonies), while fleeting, is dangerous; each one brings you further down a path of physical fulfillment and nothing more. Allow me to remind you of the words of the Gospel of Saint Luke: “woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.” This statement rings just as true here — and furthermore, so many seem to be obsessed with the most random people, including someone called the “science guy” that everyone seems to absolutely revere.