4/20

SEX ON THURSDAY | The Joys of Amorous Chastity: Fervent Non-Sex for the Love of God

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During my time within the Monastery of Saint Martin the Merciful, I have often noticed within The Sun’s pages a disproportionate amount of space devoted to extolling the pleasures of physical (and needless to say, premarital) contact and detailing shameless and blatant sexual escapades. While I do not chastise these souls for their conduct, I cannot help but feel that they (and by extension, all of you) are in need of some proper guidance on how to experience pleasure while following a pious life. Of course, this obstacle to a pious life arises since so many of us are drawn to what is completely physical, delivering an immediate sensation that one believes is tantamount to the joy of communicating with God, but which vanishes as soon as it finishes. This is obviously the orgasm, which (so I’ve heard from many regretful testimonies), while fleeting, is dangerous; each one brings you further down a path of physical fulfillment and nothing more. Allow me to remind you of the words of the Gospel of Saint Luke: “woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.” This statement rings just as true here — and furthermore, so many seem to be obsessed with the most random people, including someone called the “science guy” that everyone seems to absolutely revere.

Opinion

SEX ON THURSDAY | Long Live the Sex Column

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No other student newspaper is brave enough to cover the story of what happens in the bedroom, the often unreported stage where so many current events happen, like someone losing their virginity or orgasming for the hundredth time. So many actors strut and fret their hour upon the stage and then are heard no more, a tale told by an idiot like me full of sound and fury signifying nothing — but that’s what life is. Life is one big sex column we’re all writing in our heads.

Opinion

SEX ON THURSDAY | In Defense of Furries

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I propose that, for a moment, we un-think everything we previously judged about furries, seeing them instead as a revolutionary movement. If you like the subversive ideology of punk rock, you should also respect furries for being noncommodifiable as the producers of their own fandom.

Opinion

SEX ON THURSDAY | All My Love, Lady Whisthlehoe

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This week, the Lady With No Game has evaded her responsibilities in order to immerse herself in the glittering gilded world that is Netflix’s Bridgerton. I’m even guilty of hiding my headphones and watching the show in class. The hopeless romantic and future gold digger in me can’t resist the world of opulence and courting — the balls, the dresses and the lineup of gorgeous men.

Opinion

SEX ON THURSDAY | The Truth is Coming: Let’s Talk

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Yes, I’ll say it: from the girl who hates talking about feelings and calls them “eelings” because they are too scary, talking about feelings isn’t the sexiest thing, but it allows us to have good sex. It allows us to ensure that both parties agree to the same thing.

Opinion

SEX ON THURSDAY | What Has Porn Done to Us

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There is nothing inherently bad about porn itself until it grooms us into early online sexual activity, making it easy for a suburban five-year-old to see enough creampies to kill a medieval peasant. We have the technological power of a god designed to please the psychological desires of a monkey; there are only so many bananas we can take before we implode. 

Opinion

SEX ON THURSDAY | Imperfect Match

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If using Tinder, Bumble and Hinge all at once wasn’t working for you, it’s your fault for thinking that some campus computer science club could do the trick. But you had nothing left to lose, so you handed over your recreational drug use patterns, your three words of insincere self-description and your shitty sleep schedule to a student-run AI system — as if it could actually locate your soulmate among the countless other sleep-deprived “formal to-do list” keepers at Cornell sharing your passion for “art.”