SEX ON THURSDAY | Letter to My Fellow Virgins and Those Still Searching for “The One”

My birthday is two and a half months away. I’m going to pass the final stage of adulthood, and involuntarily enter my twenty-first year. I’ve accomplished so much, and yet I still haven’t had sex. Everybody around me tells me “HLG, honey, your time will come,” or “They’re out there … waiting for you too.” And that’s the best thing you can tell someone like me, because literally nobody can verify it. It’s vague-ass comments like these that you hate receiving, but exhale with relief when those same comments save you from the panic that mounts as you desperately search for advice for someone else.


It’s 2 P.M. under the blistering West Coast sun. My friend and I are putting peach and baby pink lipstick on each other, our lashes are full, our teeth are flossed and our hair is big. We enter the DILFing complex that is … Home Depot. I know what you’re thinking: “you can’t be serious … you didn’t actually go into Home Depot to pick up hot Dads.” But, my friend, you underestimate the power of a virgin’s horniness. There’s something about older men, and I’m not talking late 20’s, but rather late 30’s and early 40’s that really turns me on.