Sexual fantasies. When a girl mentions this term, I assume most people imagine some steamy, hot bondage sex scene with lots of rope, blindfolds, and other sexy kinks. But to me, the term “sexual fantasy” means something else. It refers to my private, creepy, does-this-reflect-a-hidden-part-of-my-character thoughts when I’m touching myself, or sometimes even just daydreaming in a coffee shop after seeing a hot guy. Yeah, neurotic. But here, in the thick blanket of anonymity, I’m going to share some of my strangest sexual fantasies.
Looking back, I think my first sexual fantasy had to do with double penetration. I don’t know why, because from everyone I know (albeit a few) that has done it has told me that it’s immensely painful, and super uncomfortable. I mean two guys so close together, dicks most definitely touching, slipping in and out, none of that really sounds too appealing on first thought. But for me, I guess it’s all about the feeling of being…full. Just completely full. That sounds like a feeling that’s filled with intensity. That sounds like a feeling I would need to experience to understand, so I do my best to imagine it.
Another fantasy that I really have no idea what it says about me, is brutal slapping. To be honest, this one freaks me out the most. I know that BDSM is slowly becoming more prominent, which I love, but I still think it’s pretty rare to find any porn videos that focus on face slapping or unwanted choking. I think it’s because it seems too close to a rape scene, and that freaks most people out, including me. I mean, why do these scenarios seem to turn me on? I swear, I think this fantasy might be my most intense one—I can make myself orgasm imagining a scene like this in a matter of seconds. Fantasies like these make me question myself. Does this mean I’m a secretly very aggressive person? Or do I like to be abused? Am I the one doing the slapping and choking or am I the one being slapped and choked? Or maybe, none of these questions matter at all and it’s just a random fantasy with no connection to my inner workings.
The last sexual fantasy I’ll share is probably the one that would scare most people, but surprisingly it doesn’t scare me, since it’s so personal to me. For some odd reason that I could write another article about, I’ve always been really fascinated with drugs and their effects on the mind. Particularly cocaine and heroin. So, the fantasy that would weird people out the most is this one: me being fucked on a dirty, heroin den bathroom toilet seat cover in a sketchy club downtown somewhere. I know—what the actual fuck is wrong with me. I have no idea why the club needs to be dirty and gross, or why I need to be in the bathroom in a mini jean skirt. And the guy and I need to have just shot up or done a line. Maybe this is just a weird extension of the “call me a dirty whore” fantasy that seems to be a bit more common? Or maybe I like imagining myself in a daze, a drugged state of mind that makes me so free and relaxed, rather than the uptight person I know I am. I try my best not to think about this fantasy, because afterwards it feels so fucked up, but I just can’t help it sometimes. It just comes into my mind when I’m aroused, and it works so well for me.
I wonder when I actually have sex, will I continue to fantasize about these? Will I even tell my partner when I’m married? Are these weirder than I think, or are they more normal than I think? All I know is, think twice before asking someone what their fantasies or kinks are—it may not be what you want to hear.
Queen Vajeen is a student at Cornell University. Sex on Thursday runs every other Thursday. Comments may be sent to [email protected]