Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | If Two Is Company, Then Three Is Even Better Company

Everyone who knows me knows that I like to talk, and that I especially like to talk loudly about inappropriate things at inappropriate times and places. As one of my good friends once drunkenly slurred to me, I say “a whole lot of outta pocket shit.” Normally, this just gives me a reputation as someone that you probably shouldn’t introduce to your parents when they come visit, as well as the best person to tell any tea to if you want it spread as quickly and widely as possible. However, being known for being down to talk about anything, anytime, anywhere, has also lead to some more unforeseen consequences. When my best friend texted me one otherwise uninteresting Sunday in April last year asking for advice, I assumed it would be along the lines of how to do the homework for one of our shared classes or that he and his girlfriend were fighting and he needed me to decode a text. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to ask me how to pick a third for a threesome.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | I’ll Touch You, If You Tell Me Where

I feel his breath hot in my ear. “Just tell me where,” he whispers. I demure. “You know where.”
His hand traces up and down my thigh, just barely brushing the place I want his fingers. “Not until you say it.”
My mind floods with words: vagina, way too clinical; cunt, too demeaning; snatch, too 70s porno.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Out Of My League

My boyfriend is more attractive than I am. His narrow face and strong features — a nauseating mix of stereotypically tall, dark and handsome — illuminated among a blur of cafeteria faces. I wanted nothing more from my soon-ending high school career than to get with him. Our routine exchanges of physics problem set answers during our senior year gradually transitioned into a different kind of transaction: offering and receiving stories of past wild nights and their subsequent hookups. In my attempt to truly impress him, I divulged an unforgettable Phi Sig pledge party during Cornell Days.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Sex-o-Scope

Oh, how the stars have aligned! Check out your sex-o-scope for the next month to ensure you’re prepared for whatever dirty delights are in your future! Aries (March 21 – April 19): The piercing on your foreskin will get snagged on the inside of your second-favorite inflatable sex doll and you’ll be forced to walk to Cornell Health with an Inflatable Judy Doll dangling from your flaccid micropenis. The nurse will look exactly like your mother. Taurus (April 20 – May 20): While singing “Your Body Is A Wonderland” in the back of a broken-down tour bus, a lustful John Mayer will give you mediocre, toothy head.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Out With a Bang

A couple of years ago, an intense and very witty friend on The Sun sent a message to one of my GroupMe chats asking if anyone wanted to write a Sex on Thursday piece. Coincidentally, I had just returned from a weekend of debauchery in NYC where I had enjoyed a threesome with my high school best friend and our club promoter. So as fate would have it, I began writing Fire & Ice and Cherries in the Snow. Looking back at my previous pieces, I can’t help but feel like this is a bittersweet end of an era as I prepare to leave Cornell. After all, I arrived here having had my first kiss a month before O-Week, so this really was the home of my sexual awakening.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Birth Control, Baby

I went on birth control before I had my first kiss. I did not have to sneak around to Planned Parenthood or make a secret call to my doctor’s office without my parents knowing. My mom just posed the idea to my doctor during one of my annual check-ups. While my doctor and my mother were deep in conversation about the “new” types of birth control, I continually glanced at my phone praying that my childhood doctor wasn’t picturing me as an uncontrollable sex whore. But “hearing my options,” felt a lot less like an adventurous treat and more like choosing which type of allergy medication I’d prefer.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | First Everythings

I don’t view myself as super sexually well-versed, but I thought I had enough experience under my belt that I would know what I’m doing. I didn’t expect to get nervous, scared or uncomfortable hooking up with someone because I believed I had already worked through the majority of my firsts. But as it turns out, everytime I’m with someone new, it’s like a first time all over again. That’s not a bad thing, but as I’ve had more firsts in the last few weeks, it caught me off guard and left me a little confused. And the more I thought about my most recent first, the more I thought about all of my firsts.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | ‘I’m Just Not in the Mood’

My dirty talk these days is, “I’m just not in the mood.”

Oof. I know. This is not the sweet-nothing anyone wants whispered in their ear. Sex drives come and they go. But recently, my sex drive had been going much more than it has been — and I’ve been — coming.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Thirty Things to Do During a Dry Spell

Thinking about writing this week’s column stressed me out even more than my three prelims combined. Truth is, I have no sexy sex story for this week. I’ve been going through a frustrating, disappointing and wretched couple of weeks: a dry spell. All of this time, I had thought dry spells were either a myth or an excuse lazy people use to avoid coitus, but it turns out, they truly can happen to anybody. Now, I stand here before you with the credibility of a bankrupt financial advisor.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Here’s to a Steamy Senior Spring

Editor’s Note: This piece, though new to The Sun, was originally composed in early 2018. The author has since graduated. I came to Cornell as many of you did: bright-eyed, enthusiastic and, above all else, incredibly naive. I fondly remember my first few fraternity parties, trying to look “sexy” but mostly arriving at some combination of awkward mall-dweller and short-sighted librarian while my more experienced friends guided me through the maze that would eventually become the backbone of my social life. I went through high school incredibly focused on my academics and extracurriculars, knowing that I would move on from my small town to bigger, more exciting things.