Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Your Ex-Girlfriend Isn’t Crazy — You’re Just Insensitive

Taylor Swift thinks she’s so cool because she’s crazy, a hookup said to me after we watched the Blank Space video together. (Maybe the problem in this situation lies more in the fact that I was watching this specific video specifically with a hookup, but bear with me here.) And it certainly looks like it at first glance — I mean, how crazy do you have to be to destroy your boyfriend’s sports car, his expensive suits, stab a cake and a portrait of him, solely because he was texting during a picnic? Isn’t this whole video just her delighting in the beauty of her destructive, chaotic power? He missed the point of the song and the video — it’s not that Taylor Swift is the crazy ex-girlfriend, it’s that she’s playing the archetype of it to show how utterly ridiculous it is. It’s absurd and campy: cuz darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream, the Elie Saab dress standing over the horses, the damaged car …

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Sex: Does It Even Matter?

I was fifteen when I first had sex. It was with my first real boyfriend, and it hurt so much I cried. It was a splitting sensation — it hurt so badly that any sane person would never want to experience it again. However, it was me who didn’t want to wait, it was me who bought the condoms and it was me who re-initiated every time, only to assume a fetal position in pain after it was over. My preoccupation with sex continues to baffle me — especially because I wasn’t a very sexual person.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Love Song to a Stranger

My boyfriend of five months, Desert Not-So Solitaire, was snoring softly next to me, his arm curled around my back. It was winter, so instead of sleeping in his car, he had struck up a deal and was living in an unfinished guest house in someone’s backyard. The house didn’t have a heater, so breath rose from my lips in little puffs, but I was warm underneath our blanket. I wanted to be moved by his soft smile and how peacefully he was sleeping. I felt my stomach clench; a rising nausea overtook me.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Dry Girl Summer

There are coping mechanisms you invariably adopt during a dry spell. You rationalize it: Has it really been that long? Have there really been any eligible candidates? You download Tinder, delete Tinder, redownload Tinder, change your settings, swipe through and realize that your hometown Tinder is not what you had remembered it to be when you were swiping through the slim pickings of Ithaca Tinder. When an interaction with a member of the preferred sex doesn’t end in the wondrous, distant land of Hookup, you wonder, like Cher from Clueless when she was rejected by, as it turns out, a gay man did my hair get flat?

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | If Two Is Company, Then Three Is Even Better Company

Everyone who knows me knows that I like to talk, and that I especially like to talk loudly about inappropriate things at inappropriate times and places. As one of my good friends once drunkenly slurred to me, I say “a whole lot of outta pocket shit.” Normally, this just gives me a reputation as someone that you probably shouldn’t introduce to your parents when they come visit, as well as the best person to tell any tea to if you want it spread as quickly and widely as possible. However, being known for being down to talk about anything, anytime, anywhere, has also lead to some more unforeseen consequences. When my best friend texted me one otherwise uninteresting Sunday in April last year asking for advice, I assumed it would be along the lines of how to do the homework for one of our shared classes or that he and his girlfriend were fighting and he needed me to decode a text. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to ask me how to pick a third for a threesome.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | I’ll Touch You, If You Tell Me Where

I feel his breath hot in my ear. “Just tell me where,” he whispers. I demure. “You know where.”
His hand traces up and down my thigh, just barely brushing the place I want his fingers. “Not until you say it.”
My mind floods with words: vagina, way too clinical; cunt, too demeaning; snatch, too 70s porno.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Out Of My League

My boyfriend is more attractive than I am. His narrow face and strong features — a nauseating mix of stereotypically tall, dark and handsome — illuminated among a blur of cafeteria faces. I wanted nothing more from my soon-ending high school career than to get with him. Our routine exchanges of physics problem set answers during our senior year gradually transitioned into a different kind of transaction: offering and receiving stories of past wild nights and their subsequent hookups. In my attempt to truly impress him, I divulged an unforgettable Phi Sig pledge party during Cornell Days.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Sex-o-Scope

Oh, how the stars have aligned! Check out your sex-o-scope for the next month to ensure you’re prepared for whatever dirty delights are in your future! Aries (March 21 – April 19): The piercing on your foreskin will get snagged on the inside of your second-favorite inflatable sex doll and you’ll be forced to walk to Cornell Health with an Inflatable Judy Doll dangling from your flaccid micropenis. The nurse will look exactly like your mother. Taurus (April 20 – May 20): While singing “Your Body Is A Wonderland” in the back of a broken-down tour bus, a lustful John Mayer will give you mediocre, toothy head.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Out With a Bang

A couple of years ago, an intense and very witty friend on The Sun sent a message to one of my GroupMe chats asking if anyone wanted to write a Sex on Thursday piece. Coincidentally, I had just returned from a weekend of debauchery in NYC where I had enjoyed a threesome with my high school best friend and our club promoter. So as fate would have it, I began writing Fire & Ice and Cherries in the Snow. Looking back at my previous pieces, I can’t help but feel like this is a bittersweet end of an era as I prepare to leave Cornell. After all, I arrived here having had my first kiss a month before O-Week, so this really was the home of my sexual awakening.