During my time within the Monastery of Saint Martin the Merciful, I have often noticed within The Sun’s pages a disproportionate amount of space devoted to extolling the pleasures of physical (and needless to say, premarital) contact and detailing shameless and blatant sexual escapades. While I do not chastise these souls for their conduct, I cannot help but feel that they (and by extension, all of you) are in need of some proper guidance on how to experience pleasure while following a pious life. Of course, this obstacle to a pious life arises since so many of us are drawn to what is completely physical, delivering an immediate sensation that one believes is tantamount to the joy of communicating with God, but which vanishes as soon as it finishes. This is obviously the orgasm, which (so I’ve heard from many regretful testimonies), while fleeting, is dangerous; each one brings you further down a path of physical fulfillment and nothing more. Allow me to remind you of the words of the Gospel of Saint Luke: “woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.” This statement rings just as true here — and furthermore, so many seem to be obsessed with the most random people, including someone called the “science guy” that everyone seems to absolutely revere.
Martharitaville No Longer: Puerto Rico Becomes the First US Territory to Ban Cornell Spring Breakers
On Wednesday, April 20, Puerto Rico’s President of the State Joey Byron announced that the island would no longer accept Cornell students and alumni as visitors during spring break. With approval from U.S. President Joe Biden and in cooperation with the local hospitality industry, Cornellians will no longer find relaxation and repose on this island. “We’ve dealt with everything from loitering, littering, public indecency, loudness, complete disrespect of local customs and on top of everything, almost every resident has complained about Cornell students taking up the beach for bonfires,” said Sandra Lee, secretary to Byron. The new rule applies to all currently enrolled Cornell students. Before booking flights and Airbnbs, the government will be cross-checking first and last names with student data in Cornell’s Student Center, to which the University has provided the local government access.
On Saturday, April 16, a junior in the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management, Bill N. Gai ’23, forgot to post an update on LinkedIn for his upcoming internship at Amazon. Gai’s failure to post, a requirement of the Applied Economics and Management major, prompted his removal from the school.
Gai was immediately transferred to the College of Arts and Sciences to be an English major to match the level of activity needed on his LinkedIn account. The English Department accepted Gai with open arms, eager to finally have a male student. The LinkedIn post fulfills the AEM major’s “sell soul to corporate America” requirement. By sharing their ridiculously overpaid entry-level job update with the world, the students help solidify their career goals and trajectory.
The requirement was also a push to garner a sense of community among the Dyson students.
“By comparing yourself to other students, it is intended to give our students Imposter Syndrome.
Unlimited Forks are soon to arrive at Cornell dining halls, notably Robert Purcell and Toni Morrison dining. This is a huge feat, considering that forks are essential to eating foods like noodles, salads, many kinds of meat and more. The estimated arrival date of the much-anticipated Unlimited Forks is January 2035. Last semester, students complained of going to dining halls, sitting down, forgetting utensils and then walking around looking for the utensil station, only to find no forks — only a plethora of knives and a small handful of spoons. Following this, an intense internal debate would ensue about if it’s worth eating salad with a spoon.