April 27, 2017

SEX ON THURSDAYS | The 10 Types of People You’ll Have Sex With at Cornell

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Cornellians like to have sex (I mean, have you read this column before?), and who can blame us? Between the never-ending stress of classwork, the brutally frigid winter, and the crushing fear that we’ll all end up dying alone, people here would likely explode (literally, in some cases) without the opportunity to fuck around a little bit. In a school of 14,000 undergrads — and 7,000 graduate students if you have a thing for that — Cornellians have their pick of a broad selection of sexual partners. During your four years in Ithaca, you’ll probably encounter a variety of snuggle buddies. Here are the 10 types of people you’ll have sex with at Cornell:

  1. The First: It’s o-week, and you’ve ventured out into Collegetown with your 50 new best friends you met on your floor. You make your way into a crowded, dingy annex, pour yourself a solo cup full of Barton’s vodka, and soon find yourself chatting up an equally confused and out-of-place freshman girl. You ask her what her major is — it’s PAM — and before you know it you’re making out in a drunken haze while EDM blasts in the background. You stumble back to your room and try to remember how all the pieces fit together while your roommate forlornly reads a book in the common room. Congratulations! You’ve had sex at Cornell. Welcome to college.
  2. The Athlete: You somehow wound up at the crew/track/volleyball house, and then somehow wound up in a crew/track/volleyball bed. You wake up exhausted to an empty bed. Practice starts at 6:30 sharp, and an NCAA athletic career is more important than whatever you can offer her.
  3. The Best Friend: You know you shouldn’t have gone through with this. She’s known you since you step foot on campus your freshman year — you’ve spent countless nights in her dorm just listening to music and chilling, but nothing’s every happened. That is, until now. The next morning you make sure to wake up before she does so you don’t have to see each other. You’ll never speak of it again, and in a few years you’ll look back and laugh at it.
  4. The Senior: She shows up to frat parties in sweatpants. She’s only taking 12 credits, so you have plenty of time to fool around during the day. You’re not quite sure how you ended up with her, but you like it — it gives you street cred, and the other guys on your floor give you approving nods as you walk out of your room together. She’s very experienced, and sometimes you get the suspicion she’s just keeping you around for what’s in your pants rather than what’s in your head.
  5. The Group Chatter: You think you’re good at what you do. You’re a fucking stud. Girls should be grateful that they get to experience your natural gifts and talents. At least, that’s what you think till your mutual friend sends you screenshots of their group chat. Not only does she spend a good two paragraphs roasting your skills in bed, but now you have to see her friends knowing full well they’ve heard about your thing for feet.
  6. The One Way Out of Your League: How did you do it? You still don’t know. Before you met her, you didn’t believe in the perfect woman, but now you’re not so sure. When you asked her to be your pong partner you didn’t even expect her to acknowledge you, let alone leave with you. That night, she blows your mind. Your friends will never believe you when you tell them what happened. She’s gone when you wake up, and she isn’t returning your texts, but you know she’ll be back.
  7. The One From Class: “Hey, don’t you sit by me in Professor Gold’s class?” An innocent question, for sure, but it leads in only one direction. Your shared passion for labor law quickly morphs into shared passion for reverse cowgirl, and even though you know it’ll be beyond awkward next week during lecture, you let yourself enjoy a little ILR lovin’.
  8. The Crazy One: You’ve fucked in Ezra’s tunnel. You’ve fucked in the Olin stacks — at 1 p.m. She once tied you up and fed you shrooms before fucking, and even though it was unexpected, you kinda liked it. She wears you out, though, and you’re terrified of what’s going to happen when you try to break it off because you need time to study for your finals.
  9. The “One”: You’ve finally found her: the one. Everything about her is exactly what you want. It’s only been one night with her, but you’ve already reserved Sage Chapel for the marriage. You text your best friend from home and tell her you think you’re in love. You walk around campus in a state of euphoria. You see her the next night, and right when you’re about to approach your bride-to-be, you notice she’s grinding with some dude wearing a Kobe jersey even though he’s probably never set foot in L.A. You’re crushed, but that’s the way it is sometimes.
  10.  The Girl: You fuck. Maybe you’ll do it again. Maybe you won’t. It’s sure fun to do, but you’re just a confused student who doesn’t know what he’s doing in life. This is college, and you’re not supposed to know what’s going on. It’s about having fun, learning cool shit and experiencing new things, from the classroom to the bedroom.

Maybe you’ll only run into a few of them. Maybe you won’t run into any of them (and that’s okay, too). But be on the lookout, fellow Cornellians. The sun is out, the necklines are deep and the collegiate capacity for sex is, as always, unparalleled. So stop reading and get busy! This list ain’t gonna complete itself.


The Substitute is a student at Cornell University. Saint & Sinner appears periodically throughout the semester. Comments may be sent to [email protected].