November 30, 2017

SEX ON THURSDAYS | Cornell Purity Test (Signs You’re a Hoe)

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I fucking love my friends. They’re the bravest, funniest, most self-destructive hoes I know. The following list is a tribute to them. It’s the new purity test, the Cornell purity test, because fuck Rice.

  1. Lost your Cornell ID going out 3+ times.
  2. Made the walk of shame from Collegetown to North Campus.
  3. Made the walk of MORE shame from North Campus after hooking up with a freshman.
  4. Gone out trying to get laid and ended up at Nasties.
  5. Made out with someone you can’t remember.
  6. Hooked up with more than half of the people in your friend group.
  7. Hooked up with the same person as your roommate (sharing is caring).
  8. Gotten a hickey from a stranger.
  9. Maintain a hoe list because you’ve hooked up with way too many people to remember.
  10. Used Tinder to find a free place to spend the night.
  11. Snuck onto the TCAT through the back door.
  12. Gone out four nights in a row.
  13. Hooked up with 7+ people during O-week.
  14. Were drunk all of O-week.
  15. Argued your way out of a J.A.
  16. Hooked up with a T.A.
  17. Failed at seducing your TA so you masturbated to the thought of them instead.
  18. Flirted with a prof.
  19. Hit on or been hit on in a library.
  20. Failed a prelim because of a boy/girl.
  21. Had sex in a classroom.
  22. Met someone you ended up dating at a party.
  23. Hooked up with 3+ people in one night.
  24. You or the person you hooked up with had to take Plan B.
  25. Seriously considered sleeping with your prof for a better grade.
  26. Done hard drugs since you’ve been at Cornell.
  27. Smoked weed with your hallmates and caused the entire floor to reek of it.
  28. Hooked up with someone from IC (and are deeply ashamed).
  29. Had your pregame shut down.
  30. Made a snow penis.
  31. Written “send nudes” in the snow.
  32. Run into a friend doing the walk of shame while you were ALSO doing the walk of shame. Hoes stick together.
  33. Hall-cest (hooked up with a hallmate).
  34. Hooked up with multiple people in the same sorority/fraternity.
  35. Hoe-cation (traveled for the sole purpose of sex).
  36. Hooked up with your roommate.
  37. Tindered at a party because no one there was cute enough.
  38. Frozen your ass off having sex in Ithaca weather.
  39. Kissed someone on the suspension bridge at midnight.
  40. Anxiously awaited the results of a Gannett STD test (sorry Cornell Health).
  41. Had someone who lives near you comment on how loud you were last night.
  42. Talked to a T.A./prof while having a visible hickey.
  43. Hooked up with someone who has a car.
  44. Hooked up with someone because they have the answers to your homework.
  45. Fucked Harvard (literally, you’ve fucked a Harvard student and betrayed your alma mater).
  46. Had a FWS with someone you hooked up with.
  47. Hooked up with someone between classes (the best lunch break).
  48. Injured someone while hooking up (chomp).
  49. Hooked up with a grad student.
  50. Hooked up with someone in each of the seven colleges.
  51. Hooked up with someone from every Ivy.
  52. Hooked up with a stranger in a different city and later learned they also go to Cornell.
  53. Had a threesome.
  54. Gone to Gannett just to grab lube/condoms.
  55. Hooked up with someone your friend also fucked just to evaluate their skills.
  56. Hooked up with someone because of their impressive resume.
  57. Eaten breakfast at a frat/sorority the morning after.
  58. Had sex with someone and forgotten their name.
  59. Hooked up with a freshman just to cross it off the list of 161 things.
  60. Used a “bingalee dingalee” pickup line.
  61. Gone to office hours just to flirt with your TA even though you didn’t need help.
  62. Stalked a hookup/crush on LinkedIn.
  63. Posted in Cornell Crushes confessing true love.
  64. Been late to class because of a hookup.
  65. Hooked up with a prefrosh during Cornell days.
  66. Given a hand job/fingered someone on the TCAT.
  67. Hooked up with someone on the Shortline.
  68. Had sex in a campus bathroom.
  69. Ran out of new people on Tinder.
  70. Increased your age range or distance range on Tinder because you ran out of people.
  71. Hooked up with a different person each night of the weekend.
  72. Hooked up with someone from Tompkins County who doesn’t go to Cornell or I.C.
  73. Had sex in a lecture hall.
  74. Felt turned on by someone’s intelligence while at Cornell.
  75. Been to every bar in Ithaca.
  76. Had your fake taken away in the Commons.
  77. Done a blowjob shot at Loco, liptease and all.
  78. Taken a pole dancing class at Risley.
  79. Visibly worn lingerie to the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
  80. Asked someone if they’ve gotten STD tested before fucking them.
  81. Had to log into myCornellHealth to show someone your STD test results.
  82. Casually ignored Tinder matches when you ran into them.
  83. Sexiled, or been sexiled by, your roommate.
  84. Fallen off your twin-XL bed during sex.
  85. Gone skinny dipping in a gorge.
  86. Hooked up the night before a prelim.
  87. Hooked up with a law student because their starting salary is sexy as hell.
  88. Failed to hook up with someone because you both passed out.
  89. Hooked up in your roommate’s bed.
  90. Had sex on the slope after dark.
  91. Took part in a Cornell orgy.
  92. Paid for a hotel room because your roommate wouldn’t leave.
  93. Hooked up with someone while your parents were visiting.
  94. Flashed someone to get into a frat party/bar.
  95. Had sex while your roommate was sleeping in the same room.
  96. Been walked in on by your roommate or hallmate while in the act.
  97. Been caught masturbating in your dorm.
  98. Started slope day and didn’t even make it to the slope.
  99. Accidentally handed a fake to someone instead of your real ID.
  100. Been EMSed.


Lo is a student at Cornell University. Bananas & Cream appears monthly.