I fucking love my friends. They’re the bravest, funniest, most self-destructive hoes I know. The following list is a tribute to them. It’s the new purity test, the Cornell purity test, because fuck Rice.
- Lost your Cornell ID going out 3+ times.
- Made the walk of shame from Collegetown to North Campus.
- Made the walk of MORE shame from North Campus after hooking up with a freshman.
- Gone out trying to get laid and ended up at Nasties.
- Made out with someone you can’t remember.
- Hooked up with more than half of the people in your friend group.
- Hooked up with the same person as your roommate (sharing is caring).
- Gotten a hickey from a stranger.
- Maintain a hoe list because you’ve hooked up with way too many people to remember.
- Used Tinder to find a free place to spend the night.
- Snuck onto the TCAT through the back door.
- Gone out four nights in a row.
- Hooked up with 7+ people during O-week.
- Were drunk all of O-week.
- Argued your way out of a J.A.
- Hooked up with a T.A.
- Failed at seducing your TA so you masturbated to the thought of them instead.
- Flirted with a prof.
- Hit on or been hit on in a library.
- Failed a prelim because of a boy/girl.
- Had sex in a classroom.
- Met someone you ended up dating at a party.
- Hooked up with 3+ people in one night.
- You or the person you hooked up with had to take Plan B.
- Seriously considered sleeping with your prof for a better grade.
- Done hard drugs since you’ve been at Cornell.
- Smoked weed with your hallmates and caused the entire floor to reek of it.
- Hooked up with someone from IC (and are deeply ashamed).
- Had your pregame shut down.
- Made a snow penis.
- Written “send nudes” in the snow.
- Run into a friend doing the walk of shame while you were ALSO doing the walk of shame. Hoes stick together.
- Hall-cest (hooked up with a hallmate).
- Hooked up with multiple people in the same sorority/fraternity.
- Hoe-cation (traveled for the sole purpose of sex).
- Hooked up with your roommate.
- Tindered at a party because no one there was cute enough.
- Frozen your ass off having sex in Ithaca weather.
- Kissed someone on the suspension bridge at midnight.
- Anxiously awaited the results of a Gannett STD test (sorry Cornell Health).
- Had someone who lives near you comment on how loud you were last night.
- Talked to a T.A./prof while having a visible hickey.
- Hooked up with someone who has a car.
- Hooked up with someone because they have the answers to your homework.
- Fucked Harvard (literally, you’ve fucked a Harvard student and betrayed your alma mater).
- Had a FWS with someone you hooked up with.
- Hooked up with someone between classes (the best lunch break).
- Injured someone while hooking up (chomp).
- Hooked up with a grad student.
- Hooked up with someone in each of the seven colleges.
- Hooked up with someone from every Ivy.
- Hooked up with a stranger in a different city and later learned they also go to Cornell.
- Had a threesome.
- Gone to Gannett just to grab lube/condoms.
- Hooked up with someone your friend also fucked just to evaluate their skills.
- Hooked up with someone because of their impressive resume.
- Eaten breakfast at a frat/sorority the morning after.
- Had sex with someone and forgotten their name.
- Hooked up with a freshman just to cross it off the list of 161 things.
- Used a “bingalee dingalee” pickup line.
- Gone to office hours just to flirt with your TA even though you didn’t need help.
- Stalked a hookup/crush on LinkedIn.
- Posted in Cornell Crushes confessing true love.
- Been late to class because of a hookup.
- Hooked up with a prefrosh during Cornell days.
- Given a hand job/fingered someone on the TCAT.
- Hooked up with someone on the Shortline.
- Had sex in a campus bathroom.
- Ran out of new people on Tinder.
- Increased your age range or distance range on Tinder because you ran out of people.
- Hooked up with a different person each night of the weekend.
- Hooked up with someone from Tompkins County who doesn’t go to Cornell or I.C.
- Had sex in a lecture hall.
- Felt turned on by someone’s intelligence while at Cornell.
- Been to every bar in Ithaca.
- Had your fake taken away in the Commons.
- Done a blowjob shot at Loco, liptease and all.
- Taken a pole dancing class at Risley.
- Visibly worn lingerie to the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
- Asked someone if they’ve gotten STD tested before fucking them.
- Had to log into myCornellHealth to show someone your STD test results.
- Casually ignored Tinder matches when you ran into them.
- Sexiled, or been sexiled by, your roommate.
- Fallen off your twin-XL bed during sex.
- Gone skinny dipping in a gorge.
- Hooked up the night before a prelim.
- Hooked up with a law student because their starting salary is sexy as hell.
- Failed to hook up with someone because you both passed out.
- Hooked up in your roommate’s bed.
- Had sex on the slope after dark.
- Took part in a Cornell orgy.
- Paid for a hotel room because your roommate wouldn’t leave.
- Hooked up with someone while your parents were visiting.
- Flashed someone to get into a frat party/bar.
- Had sex while your roommate was sleeping in the same room.
- Been walked in on by your roommate or hallmate while in the act.
- Been caught masturbating in your dorm.
- Started slope day and didn’t even make it to the slope.
- Accidentally handed a fake to someone instead of your real ID.
- Been EMSed.
Lo is a student at Cornell University. Bananas & Cream appears monthly.