February 6, 2019

SEX ON THURSDAY | Me, Myself and I

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We are a week away from that holiday: Valentine’s Day. Having been single for 22 years continuously, I’ve really grown to hate this consumption-driven, exclusionary, sickly-pink holiday. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a #strongindependentwoman and know I don’t need a lovey-dovey partner to 1) have fun, 2) be happy or 3) orgasm, but seeing all of the cheesy affection on display reminds me that I’ll never achieve that linear, heteronormative, Hallmark-romance love that society hearts so very much.

So, if you’ve found love just in time to avoid being single on this dreadful day, go fuck yourself, this article isn’t for you. But if you’re a single soul like myself on this miserable day, here are my top 10 Valentine’s Day tips and tricks to hating this day a little less, and loving yourself a little more.

1. Plan ahead to either get your favorite food delivered to your place for solo dinner, or make a reservation at a restaurant offering a V-Day special menu with a friend. Hey, single people should enjoy those “for-two” perks too.

2. Buy or make yourself a gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive to be special, even carving out a portion of you day to do something you love is #selfcare.

3. Check out sex toy sales on the days leading up to V-Day. Not only do a lot of companies offer free shipping on this “special day,” but plenty of them also have great discounts on items that may already be on your Wish List.

4. Gift YOURSELF flowers! Buy them, ship them, pick them off the street, or get a plant and care for it instead — talk about a long-term relationship.

5. Sneak a workout into your schedule. Gyms will be empty (what with all of the lovers frolicking in the streets and sheets or what not), and endorphins are just what your body needs to feel that happy love buzz.

6. Pet an animal, call a relative, Marie Kondo your closet … do anything that makes you feel good and connected to the joy in the world.

7. Pop some bubbly! It’s never a bad day to drink champagne.

8. Get ready for the post-Valentine’s Day discount chocolates and laugh at couples who bought them at full price.

9. Later that night, draw yourself a hot bath, light some candles, or stream some porn.

10. Masturbate: it’s sex with someone you love 😉

The better question to ask yourself this Valentine’s Day isn’t, do you have a boo, but rather, have you romanced yourself lately? If it doesn’t bring you income, inspiration, or orgasms, it doesn’t belong in your life. So forget the antiquated V-Day activities, go inspire yourself, go love yourself and go fuck yourself (literally).

Veuve Cliq-Hoe is a student at Cornell University. Fire & Ice and Cherries in the Snow appears monthly this semester.