(NYT Syndicate) Inside the Alpha Sigma Sigma house where Beauregard, Brooks and Miller came up with their idea to brew their own beer.

(NYT Syndicate) Inside the Alpha Sigma Sigma house where Beauregard, Brooks and Miller came up with their idea to brew their own beer.

April 20, 2020

Cornell Fraternity Ends Racism, Solves World Hunger

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In the global effort to end hunger, an unexpected posse has taken the lead, becoming the first to achieve one of the United Nations’ Sustainable Development Goals.

Three young men of the Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity celebrated late Saturday evening after receiving an email from United Nations secretary general, António Guterres, notifying them of their success.

Chad Beauregard ’21, Trey Miller ’20 and Wyatt Brooks ’21, all students in the Dyson School, realized the resources they needed were at their fingertips upon walking into 7/11 and learning that the store was sold out of beer.

“Well, at first, we were definitely in shock, it’s kind of hard to play pong without any Natty,” Brooks said. “Then we realized if we built our own brewery, we would have an endless supply of golden nectar,” he continued.

“There was a lot of used grain leftover [from the brewing process], so we decided to make bread,” Miller shared. “We had way more bread than we needed, so we just started giving it away.”

The group went through multiple tons of grain, resulting in so much bread that they secured sustenance for the world’s hungry population for the next five years.

On top of this, Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity was the first in the nation to have a new member class with individuals from each of the five boroughs (12 from Manhattan, 2 from Brooklyn, and .75 each from Queens, Staten Island and the Bronx). This astounding feat of diversity effectively ended racism across the globe.

“Quarantine has really allowed me to be productive. I mean, most people are at home sitting on their couches, and I’m out here, like, making a change, you know,” voiced Beauregard.

This piece is part of The Sun’s April 20 joke issue series. For more, visit https://cornellsun.com/category/four-twenty/.