Fantasizing is wildly important for my sexual health. I haven’t taken up a lover, and honestly, this season has been so busy that even if I wanted one (which I definitely do), the time that it takes to nurture that kind of relationship is time that I don’t have. So, my dildo has become my boyfriend, and we click really well together … but he’s not enough. I need the mental excitement that comes with being the architect of my own sexual encounters. But interestingly enough, whenever I fantasize it’s about people that I wouldn’t actually get to hook up with. The man that sits six feet in front of me in class on Tuesdays. I don’t know his name, and I’ve never seen his whole face but his body is banging, and he sneaks into my dreams from time to time. Dani Daniels, the porn star who I may or may not have a thing for, and who adds a different dimension to my sexual experience. Jason Momoa, the man who I have never met, who is famous and has a whole wife and kids, I … I just tend to have wet dreams about the wrong people. In fact, if I’m being honest, fantasizing about people that I actually have a chance to fuck isn’t a sexy thing for me.
The realness of everything throws me off. The possibility of bad breath, my pubic hair getting caught in their mouth, the awkward, natural, sounds that the human body makes. The harsh reality of sex in general disrupts my arousal. Surely, it’s something that I must get over, but my embarrassment is far too great, even in my own fantasies! The creeping thoughts of needing to fart or pee in the middle of a session completely turns me off — it makes me want to retreat into the comfortable and incredibly unlikely dreamland of getting bent over a table by a 6’2 faceless man who conveniently disappears after I’m finished using him.
This unique complication that I face is excruciating. I have an active libido, and I get high off of the fact that people want to fuck me, but when I think about having sex with people in real life … the excitement immediately deserts my body. And let’s even forget about make-believe for a minute. In practice, when I’m physically with someone that I’m sincerely attracted to, my sexual desire for them is WEAK. Do I want to grind on them? Yes, please. Kissing them on the lips? Pass. Removing our clothes? No thank you. Penetration? That’s kind of gross. I mean I think about sex all the time, but suddenly when I’m in a position to do something about it, my brain and my pussy are not on the same page, and it is maddening.
The word asexual has been plaguing me lately, but I’m too afraid and confused to label myself as such. I can’t tell if I don’t want to have real sex or if I just don’t get horny thinking about it. Maybe it’s my fragile virgin mind that completely malfunctions when attempting to imagine reality and the imperfections that come with it. After becoming acclimated to the perfect sex world that is pornography, it’s hard to think of it any other way. Although having sex would probably clear this whole thing up, until then, I’m kind of stuck in this limbo of wanting but not wanting?
It sucks that even theoretical sexual embarrassment can have a profound impact on my desire to be physical with another person. And thoughts, in turn, limit our actions. How do we not let self-consciousness get in the way of our sexual endeavors? It would surely be worth it to alter our view of what turns us on in addition to normalizing real sex. I guess I’m talking more to Pornhub than I am to us. Maybe we can do our part and turn to amateur porn every once in a while. Modify the definition of sexy. Having real sex is hot, and without those very real-life situations that come up (accidentally sucking with teeth or heads knocking against each other) it doesn’t seem very real at all, so maybe including those screw-ups in your fantasies can counterintuitively make the dream sexier because it’s more realistic. Because things happen during intercourse, and it’s not always perfect, in fact … it almost never is. But the most important thing in all of this is the mental preparation that’s necessary in order to build a barrier that protects you from any embarrassment that may occur during sex. The importance of awkward sexual fantasies cannot be overstated. Because the more you fantasize about the weird and potentially uncomfortable things too, the less awkward it will feel when it actually happens in those heated moments of passion.
Helpless Lover Girl is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. Dopamine Overdose runs monthly this semester. Sex on Thursday runs every Thursday this semester.