Have you cried recently? You hear the hate on the radio, see it on the TV and it builds and builds inside until something breaks. It starts with a knot in the back of your throat but quickly grows into something bigger, wanting to spill out from where it has been kept safe. “Wake up!” I scream in my head. “This is really happening, so get used to it.” This is no time to get down and stay depressed or let your anxiety overcome your will to work and live. I get it, sometimes it’s unavoidable; it just hits you like a wave rolling on through, stronger than you think you are. But no, you are stronger — we are stronger. In the wise words of Kendrick Lamar, “if God got us then we gon’ be alright.”
This election and everything about it has been a total shit show. From the two presidential candidates bad-mouthing each other’s families to telling each other to shut up on national television, I think the least we can do on election night is treat ourselves to a finely made meal and an equally special cocktail. Some people have their go-to drink; others like to try a new cocktail every time. No matter your preferences, I think we have you covered.
The Biden Royale: Champagne, raspberry liqueur, fruit juice (anything will do), cointreau, sugar. Simple, elegant, the drink of classy champions. Only drink this if we win; it’s bad ju-ju if you sip on this otherwise.
Bloody Mary — While typically a refreshing hangover cure enjoyed at brunch, this drink is also a fun catch phrase to start off your campaign of civil unrest if Trump stages a coup.
Cosmopolitan — A person who stands against God, against law and order and who would probably put a methane tax on your farts if they could! Enjoy as a sweet aperitif paired with any salty hor d’oeuvres or political commentary.
Four Horsemen — If Trump snags it, the time may come to greet the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Gold tequila, Jägermeister, peppermint liqueur and rum. Mix in a shot glass and light on fire. After consuming this, you’re going to wish you could meet your maker.
Hurricane — Arthur, Bertha, Cristobal — take your pick. They’re not going anywhere until someone starts addressing climate change at a national level.
Kamala-lot of Jack Daniels: Jack and Coke, double the jack … triple the jack. This will be the drink of the Democratic party if Biden loses.
Lemon Drop Shots: If you need something to get you real gone, try this one. Lemon juice, sugar, vodka. Put that ish in a shot glass and put ’em back. You’ll be singing Asher Roth at the top of your lungs while peeking over your shoulders at CNN.
MAGA-hatton: Traditional Manhattan with a touch of sadness (extra bitters). These are what makes Donald’s skin so orange.
Martha’s Cherry Bounce — Legend has it this was George Washington’s favorite cocktail. Revel in the drink that helped build this great nation and toast Washington as we see if his efforts were all for naught.
Oil Spill — Whether Biden or Trump wins, one thing is certain: We’ll always have our oil spills. At least this one tastes really good and will give you the kick needed to tweet something angry at ExxonMobil. Notice how the cream stays on top!
Screwdriver — Vodka and orange juice — great for the cocktail enthusiast on a budget and as a tool for building your basement survival bunker.
Swing State Mule — Start with a base of vodka, cointreau, lemon juice and ginger beer. Add grenadine for red states, blue curacao for blue states or both if you’re in a battleground state (Hi, Florida!). Make one for each state and have yourself a power hour!
Tom Collins — Tired of cis, white men dominating your news feed? So am I! Shake up this cocktail by substituting grapefruit juice to make it a Susan Collins, whose race tonight could determine which party controls the Senate.
White Claw Mimosa — Mimosas aren’t just for brunch, they’re also great for waking up to the daunting reality that the Great American Experiment may be on its last legs. Not in enough of a celebratory mood for champagne? Substitute the bubbly for some White Claw and serve in a flute with an orange slice for garnish. Fancy!
White Russian — On second thought, let’s not have this drink meddle with our election night cocktail party. Na zdarovje.
Sabrina Xie is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be reached at email@example.com.
Benjamin Velani is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He currently serves as the dining editor on The Sun’s editorial board. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Peter Buonanno is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He currently serves as the associate editor on The Sun’s editorial board. He can be reached at email@example.com.