March 2, 2010

Sorry I’m a Fashionista

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This just in … it’s time for spring fashion! Seriously though, it’s about darn time we had a few words spoken about fashion here. I mean, the other day I saw this girl wearing a mimosa. A mimosa! Before St. Patrick’s Day! My stars, I could not believe it. Thankfully she wasn’t wearing her letters at the time because golly, that sure would have been embarrassing. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Alright, am I aware that Bruno has already done this? Marginally, marginally aware.

Just don’t slide into your slink skort with your tight-fitting shirt-dress. Also: smock, soft-cup, spaghetti strap. ALWAYS!

What the hell am I even saying?

Anyway, this season is so obvi not the season for accessories. Toss your bangles, your ankle bracelets, your piercing and your corrective eyewear. Nothing quite screams “winter” like prescription glasses. If you don’t actually need to wear glasses and are just wearing them for effect, chic points to you though, you’re definitely on top of your game.

Seersucker, Hound Tooth, Pashamino, Stripes, Polkadot, Quaffed, Couture, Madras, Omber, Paisley, Organza, Peacock, Poplin, Buffy Shirt, Zambronis, Spaghetti Strap, Tankini, Thong-Panty, Schiffon. These are all words I copied from a fashion dictionary and do not know the meaning of. Well, some of them I made up, some of them I imagined. Chic points if you can figure out which one is which. I sure can’t.

Be sure not to start this season off pairing your peek-a-boo pedal pushers with your pique skinned peasant top. You don’t want to end up being a big organza.

Teal, I believe, deserves its own paragraph. Although many designers have overlooked teal this fashion season, making it very blue, most of us are still wondering what, and, more specifically, why teal is. Sure, for the Spring season you want to get some festive, party colors, and teal is not one of them.

But, haters, I do not want to get any e-mails at all about alizarin crimson. I know that is the exception to the rule (except of course when it comes before sienna but not if after chartreuse) so don’t even try putting words in my mouth. Don’t you even dare. Buck the trend or fight the power. It really is your choice. Coco Channel said that.

I am actually colorblind. Not a joke.

You know what I really hate though are leggings. Leggings are the worst. Because girls just go out to class in leggings. What’s up with that? And Uggs? Seriously, you’re going to wear Uggs? More like, “Ughs.” Man, have you even opened a copy of Vogue in the past 10 years? I mean come on, do you think us dudes really appreciate seeing at least 50 percent of your body in tight fitting clothes first thing in the morning on our walk to class? Seriously? You think any man would appreciate having to see that in the harshness of winter in the most boring place in the world on the way to a class that he cares nothing about? Do you think that any man in the world actually wants to see that? Yeah, we’re thinking, “Damn!” But more like, “Damn! That girl has no fashion sense,” which is of course the number one thing I look for in a girl. The last thing I want to see when I’m walking up the steps from the Ivy Room is your butt hanging out. Seriously, that’s just aw … some.

Other things I hate: people who wear clothes to keep warm. Don’t talk to them. Obviously clothes influence our perception of other people. We can deduce social status, socio-economic status, attitude, feelings, secret wants and desires, fears, well, everything, really from the clothes that we wear. So if you’re just wearing clothes to keep warm you are really not wearing any clothes at all. What kind of impression do you think that’s going to leave?

Now, of course, no real fashion column would be complete without the Muffintop. Fashion experts have predicted that this is the year it makes a come back. But should it be worn over a F.U.P.A.? These are the pickles we find ourselves in.

Also, remember how about two years ago every girl you know started using her middle name? Although the phenomenon has yet to be explained, major fashion experts are clamoring for a return to the “not so cute and bubbly sounding” first name. Unless, of course, you are wearing Fuschia (the designer, not the color [duh!]), in which case you should continue to go by Rose MaryAnna, or Brooke Lynn, or what have you.

Let’s face it. We are all hurtling towards a world where we live entirely in Spandex. Spandex underwear, overwear, outerwear. The sooner we give up this pretense of fashion, the sooner we can get the party started.

Yevgeniy Feldman recently graduated from the College of Arts and Sciences. He may be reached at yfeldman@cornell­ That Really Grinds My Gears appears alternate Wednesdays this semester.

Original Author: Yevgeniy Feldman