One of the problems everybody deals with at college is where to get their hair cut. If you have a long-standing relationship with your barber at home, you don’t need to describe the cut you want. Presumably, your home barber knows you well enough to know how you like it. But even if you go to a new barber, there’s a standard “hair lexicon” you can use to succinctly and precisely describe the coif you’re into. “Six on top, four on the sides, tapered in the back and sideburns mid-ear,” for example. I promise I’m going somewhere with this. In a traditional society it’s expected that you partner up with somebody of the opposite sex and stick with them for a while — till death do you part, in the extreme case.
In a sexually liberated society, however, it’s acceptable and even encouraged to bring someone to bed exactly once, and then proceed to avoid that person indefinitely. Now, if you’ve been around the block, you already know that everyone’s different, sexually. That is to say, we’ve all got certain things that make us hot under the collar, and certain things that don’t. While it can be fun to learn your partner’s peculiarities, it takes time and commitment. Thus, individual differences in sexual preferences can put up a significant barrier to the mutual enjoyment of one-night stands.
Certain preferences are clear as day, and easy to get across. It suffices to look your partner in the eye and say, “Choke me.” Or “Don’t choke me,” for that matter. Other preferences are more subtle and challenging to get across: “I appreciate the finger there, dear, but perhaps a bit more…dorsal? And a hair to the right, if you don’t mind. Oh, and trim your nails next time.” Such a process is both inefficient and imprecise. What the world needs, clearly, is a standard “sexual lexicon” — a sexicon, if you will — for the speedy and unambiguous description of lewd and licentious desire.
Not one to watch the world suffer from any shortage of pleasure, I set about fixing the problem at hand. Here I offer a partial solution, a multidimensional blowjob classification system. The concept is very simple. After you convince someone it might be a good idea for them to blow you, you simply give them your three-character personalized blowjob code, or PBC. This code provides all the information your partner needs to know about your individual taste in blowjobs. Ten minutes later, you need only thank them, shake hands and part ways. It’s very ef- ficient; under the new system, there’s absolutely no need at all to get to know your hookup on a personal level. Even their first name is rendered trivial and unnecessary by the bureaucratic elegance of the PBC.
The first digit of the PBC is your preferred depth of oral penetration. A “1” indicates a completely anterior or distal focus, toward the glans penis. A “9,” on the other hand, indicates a completely posterior or proximal focus, toward the abdomen. The second digit indicates moisture: “1” for a leathery tongue and “9” for the complete waterworks. The final character of the PBC is an optional alphabetic tag for special requests. “B” for extra attention paid to the balls, “C” if you’d like them cupped, “I” for a mouthful of ice, “N” for a lot of noise and “T” for a dash of teeth. This code is subject to additions should there be a significant public outcry for more letters.
Clearly, some codes will be more popular than others. You might call a 55C “The Classic,” for example. I’d also like to take a moment to honor the star of the 1972 film Deep Throat, by dubbing a 95N “The Lovelace.” And although I would never judge a person on the basis of their sexual preferences, anybody who requests an 11T has terrible taste and probably orders his steak well-done, too.
The PBC can be used to improve glory holes substantially. For the uninitiated, a glory hole is an orifice in a bathroom stall divider or some other wall that you stick your penis through. The hope is that someone on the other side of the wall will notice your penis and find it appealing enough to put it inside one of the various openings of their body. Currently, a typical glory hole is just that — a hole. What I am suggesting is the addition of a basket of slips of paper and golf pencils. That way, you can write your PBC on a slip and pass it through the hole to the other side. This, I think, is the purest and mightiest form of sexual liberation and of “hookup culture.” Hedonistic, transactional. You might lose all sense of human connection and you might get hepatitis, but at least you’ll come in the process.
Dwight D. Eisenplower is a student at Cornell. Comments may be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org. Bi Monthly appears alternate Thursdays this semester.