November 9, 2000


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In one of his Oh God movies, George Burns (who plays God) explains that the reason that bad things happen is because good things need to have a reciprocal counter-happening. Thus, he couldn’t make peace without war, love without loss, or sex without condoms. To the good fortune of Samantha and the misfortune of G. Killian, Burns’ theory was realized in the lives of these two-nications over the past few weeks.

G. Killian had been having a rough time with his girlfriend, Britney. They were arguing constantly, not knowing if they were taking their academic stress out on one another, or if the relationship was actually causing the stress. The sex was bad, at least the little of it that there was. Which did not justify, but perhaps made reasonable, the first concrete in a series of events that signaled the beginning of the end.

About two weeks ago, while G. and Britney were still together, a group of girls from Syracuse came to visit G.’s roommates. They all got wasted, and G. Killian found himself doing the hibbity dibbity with an Orangewoman. (There was no sex, but lots of other stuff.) Boy would his face be red when Britney found out.

Meanwhile, Samantha, who usually enjoys her status as a free agent, has gone from borderline loose to happily tied down. She met him, “This extraordinarily beautiful man — tall, dark, slender” early in the year at the last stop after a night at the bars. Always in the mood for excitement and rarely hindered by fear, Samantha walk over to his table, introduced herself, and invited Denzel and his friends to entertain her for the rest of the night.

Samantha and Denzel hit it off, but not much more happened until a few weeks later, when Samantha decided to invite Denzel to a party one of her friends was having. Since that day, not one has gone by where she has not seen him. At the beginning of the year, when this column premiered, Samantha said that it would take an extraordinary man (in bed) to capture her attention and make her put away her little black book. At this point, she can’t even remember where she put it.

Across campus, G. Killian’s the redness was realized, as he was almost caught in a white lie. A few days after his drunken incident, that we won’t call cheating, but rather a manifestation of the frustration of a relationship on the rocks, he spoke with Britney on the phone. She asked how things went with the girls from Syracuse. This was no surprise, since G. Killian had already told Britney that they would be visiting. After he told her that nothing happened, she said, “If I you hooked up with one of them, I would be mad, but I would see why I did it due to the situation between us.” He responded with a heartfelt confession.

This confession, however, was not a retaliation, whose result was a mutual decision that time apart was in order as a resolution to their war. It was unclear if it was the assassination of Archduke Francis Ferdinand, or the underlying beef between the countries that caused their current distance, but it didn’t matter. What was clear was that now they were at each other’s throats and needed to get away for a bit. They tried to justify their situation. Is it good idea to spend all of college tied down? If they were, in fact, “meant to be,” wouldn’t everything work out no matter what? Would it work out even if they did enjoy their college experiences in part independently? Nevertheless, they were both relieved.

They ended the stalemate talks with two rules: 1) “Don’t ask, don’t tell” (to maintain their friendship) and 2) “don’t catch anything” (as a precautionary measure in the event of a complete reconciliation). Not that it was over. There was still more hanging up of phones, more nights crying themselves to sleep to be had, and more battles to be fought. And, most importantly, the clinging to the hope that eventually things would work themselves out and true love will conquer all.

Away from the broken and into the wholly exciting, Samantha says that sex has been ridiculous: “Three hours — the bed, the desk, the couch, the wall and the floor.” In fact, Samantha said that Denzel had to ration the amount of sex that they have because he was losing weight from the frequency of their sex. Samantha is off the list and loving every minute of it.

All is good on Samantha’s peaceful relationship front. She is thoroughly enjoying her end of the theoretical equilibrium. G. Killian is dealing with his rougher front, although all is relatively quiet. A love won, and, at least temporarily, one lost. And, just to make sure that the good continues to balance the bad, as long as G. Killian and Britney’s rules of un-engagement are obeyed, condoms will surely continue to pull their own weight as well (although admittedly the very thought of a latex association with Burns is quite sickening).

That said, all is well in love and war. Next week, Samantha, G. Killian, and the rest of Four-nication will venture to the Adult Book Store — Oh God!

Archived article by Sara Katz