November 30, 2000


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The end of the semester. It’s the last issue of Red Letter Daze. If you’re feeling blue because you didn’t make our most influential list, and that’s most of you — here are some constructive ways to redirect some of that negative energy. In a recent talk with the members of our FOUR-nication group, the sexperts revealed some of the best places on campus to do “it.”

But first we must bid a fond farewell to one of FOUR-nication members, Absinthe. Absinthe will be leaving Cornell for a semester, and will be greatly missed. Thus, we tried to milk as much advice from him as we could before he left. As someone in a long-term, long-distance relationship, Absinthe has been through a lot. This is a very difficult, some may even say impossible task to undertake. But, somehow, Absinthe has managed to make it work. How does he do it? “Lots of sex during the visits.” While Absinthe and his girl may do it seven to 10 times in their three-day visits, there is more to their relationship than physical aspects. First of all, they speak often on the phone. It also helps, he said, that he hasn’t met anyone that he likes as much here at Cornell.

Other tactics oftentimes used by people in long-distance relationships are phone sex and having seductive pictures of significant others. Absinthe, however, does not engage in either of these. He does not have phone sex because he prefers visual stimuli. Unfortunately, however, he does not have any pictures at the current time. Instead, he has an open relationship. To clarify, an open relationship is an understanding between both partners in a relationship that while the two individuals deeply care about each other an are committed emotionally to the other individual, they are allowed to have short-term, physically-based relationships with other individuals when they are apart from their significant other. Some say that this is the only way to make a long distance relationship work. “I’m not the jealous type,” he said. He deeply cares for his girlfriend, but a man does have needs. He only hooks-up when it is absolutely necessary, and has only had sex with another girl once during their relationship — a “prestige fuck,” he calls it, “for a good cause.”

While this may seem slightly in the middle of things, I have to interject. I have just received this in the form of an e-mail from Catwoman — to clarify, our group’s token lesbian. “Since last we spoke, I have hooked up with a boy. They say that college is a time for experimentation, so what the hell. I figured six million straight women couldn’t be ‘all’ wrong. It was fun, but I’m not about to hand over my lesbian registration or anything. I think it was an interesting learning experience for both of us. He was a little thrown at first; he was all like, ‘Hey, I thought you were a lesbian!’

“So I spent a little time explaining about the idea of sexuality as a continuum, but then I was like, that’s enough chit-chat; let’s get down to business. But then I was thrown off my game because he had no breasts. I didn’t know what to do! He was thoughtful enough to inform me, though, that, ‘guys have other stuff.’ True. Overall, it was a good time. After the fact, I drew on all my college-level vocabulary and facility with expressing myself, looked him in the eye, and said a la Beavis and Butthead, ‘That was cool. Did you think that was cool?’ He did. Also, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend. And learned that I am better than her new girlfriend in bed. Ha. “Just thought you all might appreciate that interruption from our regularly scheduled programming.

Back to Absinthe, he is making a extremely noble effort. He also had some words to say on our next topic: places. “I’d like everyone to attempt to have sex at the podium in the ILR lecture rooms — 305 or 105 Ives, preferably 305 — the thought has idly crossed my mind in many a class.”

Throughout our discussions, our group has compiled quite an impressive list of places. You might find it to be a fun activity to either use this list or find places of your own. In last year’s “Sex at Cornell,” I provided the first list of fun places on campus to do it. Our group has tried some fun places of their own. They channeled their creativity, and their hormones. Here’s what they came up with.

1. The elevator at Kennedy Hall (the one on the left).

2. The girls bathroom in the lobby area of Donlon.

3. The luxury suite at a tennis tournament.

4. A dorm room with six other people in the room (they were very quiet).

5. The study lounge in the Class of ’17.

6. The old unisex bathroom at the New York City club Tunnel.

7. In the stacks on the sixth floor of Olin library.

8. In the middle of an open field.

9. The gorges.

10. Insert your favorite place here.

In case you need to relieve finals-related stress, or get bored over winter break, try to top our group of experts. It won’t make you influential, but at the very least it will make you happy.

Archived article by Sara Katz