February 2, 2001


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At the beginning of our most recent meeting, it seemed as though FOUR-nication was facing a post-break break-up. In the last column of last semester, Absinthe was going away for the semester (now he’s gone) — and then there were three. In addition, Samantha’s boyfriend has respectfully decided that he does not want to read about his sex life on the pages of Red Letter Daze. As a result, we now fall two members short of four.

Fortunately, we have two gains to compensate for these losses. Samantha joined us this week for her final swan song, and pieces of our conversation with her will appear in next week’s column as well. If we have any FOUR-nication alumni reunions, she has already volunteered to attend. To replace her, we welcome Britney, G. Killian’s on again, off again girlfriend, and T.J. Cox, a fraternity guy who says that he gets around. We expect Britney’s participation will add even more diversity to our ensemble than the addition of that other Britney to the Super Bowl Halftime Show. She wrote you a letter introducing herself:

“Hi everyone. As the newest member of FOUR-nication I thought I would tell you a little bit about myself. The reason why I’m here is that I’m G. Killian’s girlfriend. Well, I was his girlfriend until things got bad last semester and we started seeing other people. So right now I get the best of both worlds: a boyfriend to always go out with when there’s nothing exciting going on and the freedom to flirt and fool around with anyone I want. Not a bad deal for now. As far as my past relationships go, they’ve been pretty serious, long term, and physical. As far as sex goes, I’ve been told by several that I’m pretty adventurous, willing to do anything anywhere, especially if I think I’ll get caught. For me nothing is a bigger turn on than having your heart already pounding before you even get started. I can’t wait to let you in on my past and my future.”

Since break, G. Killian and Britney have been attempting an open relationship. Their don’t ask, don’t tell strategy was working until they both asked … and told. They’ve both hooked up, and are both not happy that the other is hooking up. At the same time though, they both want to explore relationships with other people in order to take advantage of their college experiences.

T.J. wrote a letter that speaks for itself:

“What’s up readers. I’m T.J. Cox and I have been selected to share my insight into the wonderful world of sex with the Cornell community. I’m a 21-year-old vivacious dude who likes long walks on the beach — followed by sex, cuddling by a fire — followed by sex, and going to poetry readings — those ending in an orgy of sex of course. My hobbies include everything under the sun and, when the moon is out, everything under the covers. Over the next couple of weeks you will get to know my penis shape and size, my favorite positions, my favorite pornos, and my LONG roster of Cornellians I have satisfied (don’t worry, your names will be altered). I think you will find all of this quite entertaining. I pledge to be raunchy and always provide graphic details in an effort to bring all of you to a climax in reader satisfaction. I leave you, until next week, with the words of some wise man (whose name I can’t remember): “If you do something tonight that you’ll regret in the morning, just sleep late!” Indeed these are words we should all live by.”

Meanwhile, Samantha is enjoying her relationship with her tall, dark, handsome boyfriend, but from now on in, I am no longer at liberty to reveal any further information.

Catwoman has hooked up with her ex-girlfriend, and had a brushing encounter with her dream woman, a stewardess on an airplane on her way back from break who stole her heart with a wink. Unfortunately, the story ends there. In regards to her explorations with the opposite sex last semester, she said that it was enjoyable, but not for her. She then proceeded to show us through a series of charts and graphs where she places herself on the scale of sexuality — it’s not looking good for the men.

This semester should be an interesting one. We look forward to exploring Britney and G. Killian’s relationship from both sides. We have all agreed though, that this analysis is going to bear no resemblance to Temptation Island. We’re also excited to hear from T.J. Cox, who will certainly add a new vantage point to our conversations and/or fistfights.

So, that’s it. Keep reading, and stay tuned for next week, when we’ll explore romantic horror stories of Valentine’s past …

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