February 8, 2001


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Some of our FOUR-nication experts really know how to have a good time on Valentine’s Day, as you will read in these stories from Valentine’s Days past. Some of them, on the other hand, haven’t had one that was the slightest bit memorable. And, as a reminder, that’s how this day is for most people. And that’s why this holiday sucks. Not because it’s a day that you can share with that one special person, but because it makes everyone else feel like shit; it was designed that way. It is a biting reminder to those without someone to celebrate with or even those with someone to celebrate with that nothing will ever be exactly what we plan it to be. That said, here are some stories that will bring a smile to just about everyone’s face.

Last year’s Valentine’s Day was the first one that G. and Britney spent together. To recap, G. Killian and Britney were together for about a year, before they recently came to be in the seeing-other-people stage. At this point, things were still very good. Clinton was still president, Beverly Hills 90210 was still on the air, and Britney and G. Killians were still naive but happy freshman. They rented a hotel room in Good Times, NY. It was the first Valentine’s Day, G. said, that he was spending with someone he really cared about and loved. It was a night of passion, a night of romance, and a night of the ice-cold release of all inhibitions.

According to G., a series of self-explanatory events has led up to the following situation: Britney is tied up on the bed with neckties, wearing nothing but a very sexy black teddy. G. has set a romantic mood. He has taken her to dinner, gotten her flowers, the whole nine yards. At the current time, he is wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. He decides it’s time to move on to the next event he’s planned for the evening, which involved ice. He decides to run out to the ice machine located several feet from the door.

Meanwhile, across the ocean and long before we would have ever heard from this would-be porn star, T.J. Cox was in a relationship with a foreign girl for whom he had deep feelings, which was and continues to be a rarity for him. Cox calls this his first and only meaningful V-Day. Having fallen head over heels, he wanted to do something great for this girl. For Valentine’s Day, he gave her a true gift from the heart — he painted her a picture.

After he presented her with the painting, following a similar evening of romance, they were back in his bedroom, bubbly from champagne, when she found his paint set, which was coincidentally located next to his bed.

In Good Times, G. realizes that his boxers have no pocktes at about the same time that he hears the door close behind him. This means that since the key isn’t in either of his hands, there is really no other place that he could have hidden it. He finds himself half-naked, and locked out of a room in which his girlfriend is tied up and getting ready to reveal Victoria’s Secret.

Back in the painter’s studio, Cox has developed a new found love for his medium, as has his dream girl. She started with the first squirt, and they continued to unleash tube after tube all over each others bodies, making for a very colorful evening. It proved an unforgetable night, if only because of the work of art it left on T.J.’s sheets. (He had so much fun that he didn’t even care that he had to buy himself new sheets).

For Britney and G., the story ends somewhat anti-climactically. He knocked on the door, she realized what was going on and managed to untie herself and open the door. There were no shocked old women, flabbergasted bellhops, or scarred children, lucky for them. Brit and G. had a great night, even though everything didn’t go exactly according to plan.

Yes, Valentine’s Day is about love. Yes, it is about romance. But just don’t take it too seriously. I don’t mean relationships, and I don’t mean sex. I mean the day itself. It’s not much different from New Year’s in that everyone feels that it is necessary to have big, extravagent plans just because Hallmark and existing social norms say that you should. Valentine’s Day is not about the glorification of sex, and it shouldn’t be a day about who gets who the biggest box of choolates. Instead, it should just be a day where everyone is a little bit nicer, wears a bigger smile, and finds some way to share the love.

Sometimes the best made plans are those that aren’t.

Oh, and don’t try the paint thing at home. Ew, gross. Only foreign girls like that stuff.

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