February 22, 2001

Viewer Discretion Advised

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The other day, I overheard a friend of mine in the Greek system mention mixers. These are one-on-one theme parties between a fraternity and sorority that allow each house to mingle and meet with each other in greater depth than they would at a party where non-Greeks are present. My friend, who will remain nameless because I’m making him up for the purpose of this article, happened to mention a mixer theme called “Handcuffs and Heinekens.”

What a bad idea.

Can you imagine? By the end of the night, some poor sister in Alpha Sigma Sigma is going to be dragging my passed-out self across the floor by my left arm, begging for someone to find a key. And that’s only Thursday night! On Friday is “Nunchuks and Honey Brown,” followed by “Uzis and Amstels.”

Mixers at this age might not be the most thought out events, but they’re by far the best social functions for the colder months. In the summer we can all play tetherball together, and roast duck, and spear hunt. But when it’s cold, what’s there to do? Supposing that the earth will continue to rotate and revolve, it would make sense to assume that in the cold months the mixers are going to continue to be annual events. If this is the case, I can’t wait to go to better thought out adult mixers when I’m older. I’ll throw “Ha! You’re Grounded” mixers and “‘Cause I’m the Daddy That’s Why!” mixers. Every Thursday will be “Dance & Drink Night” and every Friday will be “Back Medicine & Mylanta Night.” Mixers might not seem like a great idea now, but with a little fine-tuning, they’re sure to be an asset in our social futures.

If you don’t agree with me, perhaps you’d want to stay home and watch a DVD. If you don’t agree with me because you’re clinically insane, perhaps you’d want to stay at home and watch that ghostly apparition of Hamlet’s father dance around your room. Either way, here are two things to watch this week other than DVDs.

The first is a revolutionary music video about all our “base,” and how they don’t belong to us anymore. It can be found at http://www.nulldevice.net/images/AYB.swf. Actually, the website is just kind of weird, but so is tapioca pudding, and there are people that swear by the stuff. The second non-DVD production to watch is Cornell’s very own belly dancing troupe, “Sitara.” In heaven, these girls are on DVD with a rated and un-rated version, including deleted scenes, director commentary, and their phone numbers. In hell, the DVD is only unrated, and instead of Sitara, it features my friend Jed doing the Dance of the Seven Seas to a Billy Ray Cyrus “Achy Breaky Heart” techno remix.

And now for something completely DVD.

The Doors, starring Val Kilmer and Meg Ryan, is the fast-paced, hallucinatory, stylish biopic of rock legend Jim Morrison. Oliver Stone directed the film and gave it a very authentic late ’60s/early ’70s feel. This disc comes with director filmography, director commentary, cast filmography, a making-of featurette, and a slew of deleted scenes.

Also out on DVD this week is The Watcher starring Keanu Reeves. This a serial-killer thriller about an FBI agent who drags himself out of retirement for no good reason other than to pursue a clever mass murderer who is leaving clues about his future next kill. The Riddler did this to Batman and got caught every time