March 1, 2001

Viewer Discretion Advised

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In case you haven’t heard, the famous Dr. Blightman is back at Cornell to once again test the water. His last visit spurred many questions about the safety of our campus and so, at the urging of a very concerned mother from Long Island, the doctor is re-testing to see if the water is in fact drinkable or if the water will eventually kill us all.

The results from Blightman’s previous examination last fall were inconclusive due the doctor’s “inability to control for key confounding variables.” Many may remember that he cut short his last Cornell visit after an unidentified man in a pirate costume told officials that the doctor was spending his nights in the Mary Donlon dorm on North Campus with two female girls, both of whom thought he was “just a friendly janitor with a penchant for all night sick fetish orgies and candy corn.” In his room, JA officials found 12 yo-yos, a 10″ x 14″ glossy photo of a hippopotamus, and a bag of candy corn.

Though the JA case against Dr. Blightman is still pending, the Long Island mother’s extreme concern for her child’s well-being has forced administrators in the campus life building to put down their hash pipes and have the doctor continue to evaluate the water.

Concerns about the water sprung up last semester when many students became depressed for no apparent reason and saw hallucinations of Goody Proctor dancing with the devil. The Daily Sun’s probing journalists asked a panel of mildly retarded individuals what they thought was causing this wave of low spirit. Many replied by drooling on themselves and clapping.

Others felt that it was The Terrace dining hall in the Statler that was causing the severe depression. Some felt that it was caused by the spoils of Temptation Island that almost left Mandy and Billy’s relationship tattered and starving like a small Yemenite child. Other less common explanations included Bush’s presidential victory, C&C Music Factory’s absence from the Grammy Awards, and the Oslo-esque weather conditions we endure on this frozen hill where “a sunny day” is a foreign concept.

Though most people blamed Temptation Island, an unidentified man in a pirate costume told Lee Levanovsky ’02 that it was in fact the water. Lee explained this theory to my mother on Long Island, and my mother then told her podiatrist, Doctor Blightman.

Doctor Blightman’s conclusive results are expected to be published next month. Sources close to him say that he has reached a definite conclusion: It’s the water that makes people lethargic and sad.

So stop drinking water and watch some of these new DVDs to cheer up. In the Line of Fire, directed by Wolfgang Peterson and starring Clint Eastwood and John Malkovich is out in a special edition DVD that includes director commentary, production notes, deleted scenes and 3 featurettes. You must see this movie.

Also out this week is Stanley Kubrick’s Dr.Strangelove, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, starring Peter Sellers and George C. Scott. This new version includes widescreen and full screen versions of the film, two Kubrick featurettes, and theatrical trailers. You must see this movie.

It’s a great week for DVDs, so put down that cup of water and stop waiting for the sun. In a few years we’ll think back and remember this place, so long as the water doesn’t cause any prolonged degenerative memory syndromes, and be happy that we were here. So enjoy your week and stay away from Beebe Lake