March 15, 2001

Viewer Discretion Advised

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Where will you be next week? Will you be near the equator surrounded by heavenly pre-tanned bodies watching turquoise waves crash against a sandy beach while college coeds show off their wax jobs in order to gratify themselves with hours of intoxicated coital embrace? Or will you be on your couch, finishing off your parents’ supply of Diet Coke and Absolut, watching day-time television and listening to the only CD you remembered to bring home from school, Donna Lewis’ I Love You Always Forever? If you’ll be away on some Lord of the Flies type coed naked island sipping on daiquiris and rocking out to the Venga Boys, have fun and avoid the clap. If you’ll be at home with Miss Lewis, I’ve got the antidote for saving your break.

Many people don’t know this, but if you start playing the Bonnie Raitt album Luck of the Draw, right after the third roar of the MGM lion at the beginning of the Chuck Norris hit, Delta Force, the whole movie matches up to every word and scene. It’s incredible how well the scene where General Taylor rushes out to the runway to stop Chuck Norris from slaughtering a group of Arab terrorists lines up with the track, “Let’s Give Them Something To Talk About.” Never has there been a more revolutionary tear in the fabric of the creative process than with this example of movie/film dubbing that Miss Raitt told daze reports was just an “uncanny coincidence.”

Other ways to make this break productive include locking yourself in a room and listening to the follow-up album to Pure Moods 3, Celtic Moods, on repeat until you find that you’ve ripped all the hair out of your head or figured out an answer to life, the universe, and everything. The break is also a time when you can lock yourself in your room with a copy of An American Tail, and fantasize about the animated female mouse, Bridget, until your old high school best friend calls you and mentions that he’s taken up baking as a hobby and wants you to try his apple cobbler. After that you can either return to your room and watch Fievel Goes West, or go to see the critically acclaimed show Cats at the Wintergarden Theater; and when authorities tell you that the show closed down forever a month ago, breakdown on the ground, hitting the pavement until your fists bleed while continually screaming, “I want my 49