Before I tell you why Arizona is going to win the NCAA tournament, let me clear some things up. I am not a sports editor or a sports writer. In fact, my only dealing with the sports department up until a few weeks ago was organizing a touch football game that placed one of their esteemed colleagues in the hospital.
I only mention my lack of sports writing experience to explain why you should listen to me: staying away and disassociating from sports writers is a sign of intelligence.
That being said, you can now have full confidence in my telling you that Arizona will be the last standing of The Final Four. We start with the most powerful basketball force that the NCAA has seen since the late ’70s: Eugene Edgerson’s fro. The wild beast of a ‘do has to be magical or something. I think it’s been credited with three blocks, 12 rebounds, a steal and the reason Arizona received visors when it advanced to the Final Four.
I’m talking real powers. Can it slam dunk? Yep. Can it shatter backboards? Of course.
I’m not trying to take away from a certain former sports editor’s fro, but Edgerson’s even has influence outside of the game. You know all the controversy surrounding Bush’s election? Let’s just say the fro could have had something to do with it.
These powers show why Duke has no chance. Look at their top rebounder and team leader Shane Battier. He has a head that looks like it came out of the movie Aliens. The bald stylings of Battier, even with ridges, can’t compete with the fro. If these teams meet in the finals, just watch out.
But for all the non-believers, there are other arguments as to why Arizona will win. The team is on the inside track with CBS, having commentator Bill Walton’s son riding pine for the Wildcats. We know CBS has a lot riding on the Final Four, and they like to keep their staff happy. If that means having Arizona win so Walton’s son wins a championship, so be it.
Then there’s the monster in the middle: Loren Woods. Woods does for height what Edgerson’s fro does for expanding to the infinite. In other words, they’re both really big. And, we’ve all know that size does matter.
But there’s also reasons why the other teams can’t possibly win the tournament.
As we all know, Maryland is not a place for basketball. Actually Maryland isn’t a good place for anything except crab cakes and lacrosse. Any departure from these two areas and we see a sharp decline in quality. This explains why no one knows any famous people from the state and the small amount of attention people pay to the state. The Final Four is about all it can handle.
As for Michigan State, it simply cannot win the tournament. If scheduling Cornell isn’t a sign of weakness I don’t know what is. But even worse than that is Michigan State only managed to beat Cornell by 40 points.
My theory is that teams should beat opponents by their difference in national ranking. Under this system, a top-ranked team should beat the number 10-ranked team by nine points. In the case of Cornell playing Michigan State, the Spartans should have won by 210 points. The victory by 40 just shows that they do not have the ability to repeat as national champs.
So, follow the fro and join the bandwagon of a team that will win its second national championship. There’s no stopping it.
Archived article by Andrew Gelfand