April 2, 2001

Assembly Votes for Own Dissolution

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Declaring itself a “worthless institution marred by dysfunction and idiocy” the Student Assembly (S.A.) took one final historic step yesterday by voting to disband itself.

“We’ve simply become an ineffective group,” said Executive Vice President Mark Greenbaum ’02 after yesterday’s vote. “I couldn’t stand to see this group waste any more of the people’s time.”

Members spent much of the special meeting discussing the possibility of disbanding versus reforming the Assembly. This debate became heated as representatives exchanged words.

“I came in planning to vote for reform,” Greenbaum noted. “However, as I saw before my very eyes the stupidity that has plagued this group for years now manifest itself in this verbal sparring match, my vote changed. We don’t deserve to represent anybody.”

One of the most outspoken attendees at the meeting was Arts and Sciences Representative Kira Moriah ’03, who talked loudly and passionately in favor of keeping the group together. While several praised her rigor, a few suspected underhanded motives behind her fervor.

“I frankly think she was just fighting so she can get re-elected to this stupid thing next year,” one audience member said, on condition of anonymity. “Hell, she was half the problem most of the time.”

This is not the first time this issue has come up. In the mid-1990s, the S.A. came within one vote of disbanding itself, but failed to get the two-thirds majority required. Yesterday’s vote was 19-3 with one abstention.

Students expressed little concern over the decision.

“What have those people done for us other than to raise our activity fee?” a student said.

Towards the end of the meeting, while some grew teary eyed, outgoing representative James Lamb Jr. ’03 grew angry and….

EDITOR’S NOTE: April Fools! We got you this time. This story is not real.

Archived article by Charles Persons