April 5, 2001

The Rant: Bible Bangers Beware

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Wondering what movie to watch this weekend? Thinking that those “mainstream” movie critics just don’t cut it? Well head on over to www.capalert.com, and I think you’ll find the perfect movie review database for any discerning moviegoer.

CAP, the ChildCare Action Project, is a Christian service that reviews movies based on the teachings of the Bible — seemingly a good idea. After all, it’s well-accepted that today’s movies are not exactly pure. And CAP’s mission is to expose just how dirty our entertainment has become.

Armed with a 100 point rating system (with 0 being completely morally bankrupt and 100 being totally acceptable), this bold Christian has exposed himself to the worst Hollywood can throw at him. His verdict? Practically nothing is safe. From the most seemingly innocent childhood movie to the grittiest action thriller, all entertainment is apparently targeted at corrupting the Christian mind.

You probably thought The Little Mermaid II was a nice movie, right? Good entertainment for the whole family? Well, you’d be wrong there; this skin flick contains “dress/exposure not acceptable in polite crowds” and “evil symbolism.” I always thought Walt Disney was damned.

And while I really can’t argue that American Psycho was not a disturbing movie (I actually covered my eyes at parts), I question the logic of deducting points because characters in the movie displayed “punk dress.” I mean, if I don black leather or get a purple mohawk, does that mean I’m going to Hell? In that case, say goodbye to a good portion of Ithaca.

I certainly don’t object to the idea of a Christian movie analysis service, in concept, but I think this project might be taking it a bit far. Other films have been bashed for portraying tattoos, cigarette smoking, “suggestive background music” (what, like Kenny G?), and the “portrayal of authority as stupid.” So authority isn’t stupid? Anybody listen to our president give a speech lately?

As if all this wasn’t bad enough, 101 Dalmations was docked points for granting human attributes to dogs. Well, I know I was offended.

I know it’s not right to criticize a person for expressing his or her religious beliefs, but the individual responsible for CAP is just the kind of conservative religious extremist who gives all religious adherents a bad rap. If it’s your personal belief that all of Hollywood is inherently evil, and every movie ever released will send you straight to Satan if you watch it, that’s fine. Don’t watch it. But don’t go forcing your beliefs on everyone else.

CAP’s worst offense to date is its review of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The movie — which won numerous Oscars this year — lost points for “meditation without God.” I mean, I could be mistaken here, but aren’t there other religions in this world besides Christianity? Are we not allowed to see instances of Buddhists, Moslems, or Hindus worshipping?

And if I wasn’t disgusted enough already, I just noticed that Dude, Where’s My Car? only got a score of 50. God, any respectable reviewer would’ve given it a 0.

Archived article by Ed Howard