With all of their experience, the FOUR-nication experts must have learned something. This week, they’ve decided to share their wealth by giving you advice. While the letters aren’t exactly what you would call “real,” the responses are completely authentic and are meant to help and entertain. In other words, follow their advice at your own risk. Catwoman and G. Killian are far from Dr. Ruth, or even Ann Landers and Dear Abby, but they certainly have a unique takes on matters of the heart here on the Hill.
Dear FOUR-nication experts,
I love receiving, but I hate giving. I’m starting a new relationship right now. How do I make it last?
— The Anti-Santa
Clearly, your solution is to make sure your new sweetie loves giving and hates receiving. Best of luck to the two of you. You’ll need it, wanker.
A little tentative to take the dive south of the border? Not an uncommon fear with us guys. But let me tell you something … you better start real soon buddy, or else you’re gonna lose your woman like a set of keys. When you do take the plunge, make sure you do it right. Keep in mind that the joy is in the journey as well as the destination, so give the whole body some love on your way down. Especially inner thighs. Tickle, tease, kiss, lick, rub, massage, whatever. Just get her fired up for the main event. It’s even hotter if you do all of that while she still has her panties on. Do it well and she’ll be screaming for you to tear them off … Finnese is the name of the game, my friend. Also, spot her some oral sex every now and then, and if she tries to go back down on you, refuse. Trust me, she’ll me more than willing to pay you back later because of your generosity. My basic message for you? Take it from Nike … just do it.
— G, Killian
Dear FOUR-nication experts,
I’m a junior and my boyfriend is a senior. We’ve been together for three months, and he’ll be graduating in a month. I think I’m in love. What should I do after graduation day?
— Stuck Here for Another Year
Uh, this might depend on what your boyfriend is doing after graduation day. You might want to talk to him about it, rather than us. We don’t care. My advice would be to dump his skanky senior ass and get a lot of booty during your final year here. Keep a diary of your exploits, and get pictures. Later, if any of the people turn out to be famous, you can have something to show the grandkids.
A tough one. On one hand, you’ve only been together for three months. On the other, you may be thinking he’s “the one.” Don’t rush into it just because the real world is looming before the two of you and you feel that you just have to be together. My best advice would be to start talking to him about his post-grad plans. Make it clear that you’re confused and looking for answers, and hopefully he’ll help you out, ’cause no doubt he’s thinking the same thing. Maybe he’ll get a job semi-close by; you just never know until you open up that dialogue with him. You may decide that since you haven’t been together long, the best thing to do will be to keep in touch for the next year, date some other people, and see what happens. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be, and in the end it’ll work out. (Yeah, sure G. Killian, lure the poor girl into one of those evil “open relationship” things. ‘Cause we all know how much I just looooooove those.)
I think you should talk to him first, most importantly. Then determine the strength of your bond, and decide if you’re willing to test it for a year of if you want to take yourself off the market right now and close up shop.
— G. Killian
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