April 26, 2001


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“How’s it going to end?” Not that life at Cornell is anything like life on The Truman Show, but this question is definitely on the mind of every graduating senior. These seniors are not, however, leaving the answer to this question in the hands of fate. There are pre-paid booze cruises, river rafting, rope courses, lunch at Rulloffs, wine and brewery tours, sporting events, sky diving, Cornell Night … the list goes on. Seniors will also be avidly trying to check off all of their have-to-do-before-I-graduate lists, like kissing on the suspension bridge or skipping stones on the roof of Olin Library. But, there are other lists. Much more interesting lists.

Before these lists are discussed though, the Phenomenon of Senior Relationships in general must be explained. Any senior who is not involved in a romantic relationship must be immediately disregarded from the analysis of this phenomenon. For seniors who are in relationships, now is the time of assessment. It’s a take it or leave it, make it or break it type of time. That is, one who is in a relationship must consider, “Do I see the person I’m with in my five-year plan?”. If the answer is yes, great for that person, they have a great future ahead of them, and a lot to look forward to. If the answer is no, then party on! Senior Week was made for these people. This week will be an orgy of memories, recovered from the climax of a hangover.

As Catwoman said, “Whatever people decide about their relationships, Senior Week can be a time to make memories. This is obvious; it’s pretty much the point of Senior Week. Well, that and drinking. So don’t drink too much, or you won’t have any memories at all except a close-up view of whatever you hurl into.”

Now, back to that list. According to T.J. Cox, there are lots of seniors who make wish lists for Senior Week. These lists consist of any number of names — excellent past hook-ups that call for an encore performance, a long-time crush, or just plain long-shots that suddnely become approachable with a stomach full of beer and the comforting thought of graduation. For the record, T.J. has one. (Unfortunately many of the girls on his list, with whom he has already hooked-up with in the past, now have boyfriends. Fortunately, he said, they have cheated on those boyfriends before, so he has confidence that they will do it again … anything for a wish list.)

And on that record, I would recommend circling, underlining, and highlighting the number corresponding to the “Eiffel Tower.” If only to add the term to your sexual vocabulary (like I did). According to the picture T.J. drew for me, it involves three people. The person in the middle is lying down. This person is giving one person of the opposite sex oral sex, and is having regular sex with another person of the opposite sex. (Maybe I should have included his drawing to clarify …) Then, the two people who are not lying down do a high-five over the person who is, forming the shape of the eiffel tower. T.J. wants to to this with two girls. “I want some crazy, wicked memories,” he said. “I want to get raunchy before I graduate — the kind I want to tell my son about when he’s 18.”

“Senior girls are all about finally fucking and getting laid,” T.J. continued. He clarified “girls” as females who haven’t done it or who just want to hook-up more. He said that guys have always had raging hormones and been on the prowl for some ass. But girls, while they may have been horny, haven’t always been willing to act on their feelings. Now, he said, they are. “It’s blatantly obvious that girls who thought they were the shit are now prostituting themselves at the bars. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make them any more attractive.”

While T.J. is currently in a relationship with a girl (a fellow nymphomaniac who he interestingly has not yet had sex with yet), who he says has “The Golden Egg of vaginas,” he’s going to play it by ear and plans on not getting himself tied down.

So, that’s the DL on seniors. Not that I know, as a mere junior. But, I’ve been asking around and can say with loads of confidence that senior week will be a hell of a time. I’m also happy to be listless and assessment free. So in that sense, there’s no envy for the seniors. Plus, I have an entire year to swim in the gorges, play frisbee in the arts quad, and take extremely sentimental pictures of the clocktower. Oh yeah, and go to the most mysterious place in the world for any underclassman — The Palms. That place better be incredible, because when I have a list, it will be the only thing on it. That is, it will be the only thing after I check off the last edition of Four-nication, which I am sad to inform you will be next week. Make sure to read it — it’s gonna be good.

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