The Sun has learned from sources within Gannett Health Services that most Cornell students will have three drinks or more today on Libe Slope.
Contradicting its past claim that “most students (62 percent) have zero to three drinks when they party,” Gannett has been led to believe that students will imbibe alcohol in mass consumption during an event that underground organizers call “Slope Day.” The day-long event is considered a celebration of the last day of classes.
“I hope these students realize that any violations of University policy will not be tolerated,” said one security guard yesterday outside of Willard Straight Hall.
“I’ve scoped out the entire scene, and to anybody out there who thinks they can sneak an extra six-pack onto the slope, know this: I know where you’ll be,” he said.
Several participants of Slope Days past have speculated on the paradoxical challenge of eluding the police officers who will take excess alcohol away from students — the act often described as “a bummer.”
“Whereas it is true that one cannot hide one’s drink in such wide-open spaces on the slope, a person is easily concealed when thousands of others are ‘drinking like fools’ around him or her,” said one self-proclaimed “contemporary philosopher.”
Others did not go so far in analyzing the events that may unfold during the day.
“I’m just ready to get my drink on, man!” exclaimed one student yesterday, walking out of his last class of the day. “It’ll be mimosas in the morning, followed by some ‘Beast’ and my good friend J.D. throughout the day.”
Few on campus today can recall the origins of the festivities, but one Olin librarian surmised that Slope Day is actually an historic event.
“A little known fact around these parts is that before llenroc stone was used to erect the first buildings on East Hill, Ezra Cornell instructed stonemasons to produce a flask with it,” noted the elderly historian.
It is not known, however, if Cornell drank from the flask himself or if he had given it to somebody else.
No llenroc flasks are believed to remain in the University’s possession today, but if one were ever to turn up it would be considered a prized possession.
Archived article by Matthew Hirsch