May 4, 2001

Viewer Discretion Advised

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Having poked fun at so many people in this column over the past year, I’ve found myself paranoid for my own safety around campus lately. Just yesterday, after being followed across the Arts Quad by a senior columnist, I felt that I had no choice but to spray my stalker in the face with a can of Raid. After I finished off the can, I fled for my life to the Ivy Room, where I enjoyed a nice side order of curly fries.

Now the funny thing, (and I’m sure the person I sprayed will think it’s funny too, just as soon as he can see color again) is that the boy I wasted with wasp repellent wasn’t in fact a senior. He wasn’t even a columnist, but from my perspective he looked menacing … and I’ll be damned if I was going to let him take me down. Unfortunately, from any other perspective it looked like I was attacking a handicapped 14-year-old member of the Ithaca Middle School Jazz Band. Who by the way is having a benefit concert this Friday to raise funds for little peg-leg Timmy.

So maybe my paranoia is unjustified. Maybe I’m dreaming it up, but even now, as I sit here in the Sun offices, listening to the low hum of the computers and watching Leo, our friendly head custodial engineer come into the room, I can’t help but shake the feeling that someone out there wants to shoot me in the hea …

Archived article by Porterhouse Wellington